Work Jokes

Crazy sister put: "I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly" on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

There's this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi......ok it's me.

coworker: Do you want a plate? me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

[snapchat HQ] Boss: anybody got anything good? Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?

OBAMA: your resume says you think of the "best nicknames?" ME: that's right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns* OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no... the job interview didn't go very well.

[meeting at amc network] "Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?"

Me: Grandma died, can't work today. Boss: Thought she died last month? Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!

[first day working at the pizzeria] Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?

Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says "Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy"* *undercover cop's fake mustache falls off*

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn't ask if anyone's seen it, they just send out an email that says "Give it back Josh"

If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they'd test me for steroids.

I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist's office... Because I'm like, "Hey, you're crazy too? Cool."

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night? Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Boss: I'm sorry but we have to let you go. Me: Really? That's not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

[job interview] "You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means." "Ironic isn't it? Is it? I don't know."

A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing "The cloak stopped working" to which I responded "OMG you can see me?!"

"It says here you're very sarcastic?" Actually it says sadistic "why would you put that on a resume?" I was being sarcastic

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker's closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Husband: I called my boss "Honey" today. Wife: What? Why? H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

I'm glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don't know what I'd do with all this work.