😄 INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTE...

My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.

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Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.

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*writing resume* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!

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Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, she's in a meeting. Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE'S MATING CALL.

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