"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"

Boss: Are you high? Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, she's in a meeting. Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE'S MATING CALL.

"Hire me or I'll eat your family." -effective bear resume