White House Jokes

A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says ""Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me."" The Cuban waiter replies ""We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be …

The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention saluted and said ""Nice pigs sir"". The president replied ""These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."" The Marine again snapped to attention saluted and replied ""Nice trade sir.""

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. ""George what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Set an honest and honorable example just as I did"" advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ""Tom what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Cut taxes and reduce the size of government"" advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and s…

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke? A: ""You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town.

President Clinton to maid: Mam can you do something about Hillary's room. She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.

The wasp that lived in the jungle "So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very …

First Jewish President The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida. A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House. The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest…

Bubba and Friends Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Altho…

So this guy, Rob, is at an interview... And on his resume, he claims that he is friends with almost everyone in the world. The boss, who's interviewing him, clearly doesn't believe him. "If you know everyone, then hook me up with Obama." "Oh yeah! Sure! Obama and I went to middle school together! I'll call him up" Rob calls and Obama picks up. "Hey Rob! Yeah long time no see! I was in the middle of writing a big speech, but you can come over to the White House and we can chill." They arrive…

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces... And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00... For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours, For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells, And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people. Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera." James: "Yeah, but I bet you don't know the state government." Stephen: What? How would y-- nonsense, you don't know them, least of all the governor." James: "Let's drive to the state c…

Billy Bob applying for a job... Billy Bob is applying for a job at this big company and after the preliminary interview, one of the HR managers tells him: "You know, we'd love to take you, Billy Bob, we really do, but there's so many people applying for this job and you don't have any experience and don't have much of an education - you would have to have some connections to get it." Billy Bob replies: "Well, I know the senator, does that help?" The managers obviously don't believe him, so t…

Bill and the Genie Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go absolutely ballistic. Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant yo…

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

Bob knows a lot of people Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.' His boss is sceptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know…

My friend knows everyone... Dave was bragging to his boss one day: "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impresse…

Everybody knows Bubba Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Alth…

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.....> The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measu…

Dave was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?” “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After…

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . . and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie." She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that." The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of Thomas Jefferson resp…

There's a special running course around the White House. Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach... One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The genie, having been in the lamp for eons, didn't know anything about this and asked Bill to explain. Bill pulled out a map of the Middle East an…

The 2016 Presidential Race is ending... It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but be…