Second Man Jokes

Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. The cannibal king tells the three men that they must complete a test so that they may not be eaten. He tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The first man brings back apples and is told he must shove all 10 up his butt without making a noise to pass the test. He gets half of one up there before he screams and gets cooked. The second man comes back with rasberries. As he is about to get the 10th and final rasberry in,…

Christmas in Heaven Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something that represented ""Christmas"". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ""How do these represent Christmas?"" The third man answer…

Two men walk into a bar... The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking.... and then through the floor and into the Earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him...They're not that close.

Car Breakdown Two male co-workers were driving to a bar together when they noticed a car broken down on the side of the street with two women standing near it. They pull over, and one man walks halfway to the broken down car before turning around and quickly walking back. ""What's wrong?"" the other man asks. He answers ""One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Maybe you should go help them, instead."" The second man walks halfway to the car, turns around and walks back. His friend…

3 Men are at heaven's gate St peter says to the first one, ""You can enter heaven if you can tell me the real meaning of Easter"". The man responds, ""That's when Santa brings toys to all the good girls and boys"". St. peter responds, ""No, that's not even the right holiday. You can't get into heaven."" St. peter turns to the second man and asks the same question. The man responds, ""That's when the Easter bunny gives painted eggs to the kids."" St peter responds, ""That has nothing to do with t…

Now this one is very dirty so please excuse it. Mods feel the need to delete if you want. Ok so, There are two men walking in the desert. Almost dieing of thirst, lips are cracked and they really need water. They come across a hut (yes I know it seems unbelievable, just go with it) and they shout out to see if anyone is there. Low and behold a woman walks out. She is the most god aweful, dog ugly, beaten with the ugly stick from birth woman they have ever seen. ""Yes"" she says Man 1: ""Have you…

two men walk into a bar one man goes to the bartender and says ""i think i will have some h2o"". then the second man says ""that sounds good I'll have some h2o too"". The second man died

Three men are stranded on an island... All of a sudden the Chief of the island walks up to the three men and says, ""I will let you go if you can find any 10 fruit on the island and shove them up your ass, but if you make any expression on your face, I'll kill you."" So the first man brings apples, gets through about three and makes an expression of pain, so the chief kills him. The next man comes with berries, he gets through about nine then all of a sudden bursts out laughing, so the chief kil…

The Kind Lawyer One day a very rich lawyer was going in his Limousine car when he saw two men along the road who were eating grass. he was shocked to see the sight and ordered his driver to stop and he got out to see that what is going on. He asked one of the men that why they were eating grass ""We are very poor and can't afford food,"" the poor man replied. ""We have to eat grass."" ""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you"",the lawyer said. ""But sir, I have a wife and…

Lawyer with a Heart One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?' 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.' 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said. 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.' 'Bri…

The NSA's recruitment test The NSA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the NSA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to shoot her."" The first man said, ""You can't be ser…

Two business-types go drinking after work.. First guy says to the second ""Man, I cannot get shit-faced tonight, my wife will kill me"". They start off with beers, move on to mixed drinks and next thing you know, they're pounding tequila shots. First guy has had enough, runs to the bathroom and promptly pukes all over the place. He comes back and tells the second guy ""I gottssa go home, I puked all over my shoess and pantss"". Second guy has a brilliant plan ""Hey man, just take a $20, fold it …

Four men went golfing together one day. Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill... The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" The second man said, ""My son is a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" The third man, not wanting to be ou…

Four Men Went Golfing... Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. --- The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" --- The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" --…

A joke my dad told me in polish, I'll translate. 3 men where discussing the fastest things in the universe. One man says ""it's the human thought, because you think about stuff and you don't even know when it happened"" The second man says ""no, light is faster because you flip the switch and before you can even think about it, it's there"". The third man says ""no no no, it's diarrhea, because before I can think about it, and before I can even turn on the lights, I shit my pants!""

A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, ""Why are you eating grass?"" ""We don't have any money for food,"" the poor man replied. ""We have to eat grass."" ""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"" the lawyer said. ""But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."" ""Bring them along,"" the la…

Fastest thing in the world A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops in…

A man finds himself talking to God... A man finds himself talking to God, so he asks Him a few questions. Man: ""God, what are a million years like to you?"" God: ""Son, to me, a million years are like a second."" Man: ""God, what are a million dollars like to you?"" God: ""Son, to me, a million dollars are like a single penny."" Man: ""God, can I have a million dollars?"" God: ""Sure - just a sec...""

Two men on top of the empire state buidling... Two men were on top of the empire state building. The first man walks up to the other man and says, ""what are you doing up here?"" The second man states, ""I am contemplating suicide."" The first man responds and says, ""don't you know the designed this building to be suicide proof?"" The second man responds, ""no way, I don't believe you!"" The first man explains, they designed the building so when someone jumps, the person would fall all the way …

Christmas joke from my 85 year old Grandma during presents this morning Three men go out drinking one night, only to leave the bar and die in a car crash. They wake up at the gates of heaven to Saint Peter waiting, he tells them ""Oh i'm sorry we're incredibly busy today, its christmas eve don't you know. I'll tell you what, if you can show me one thing on you that reminds you of christmas I'll let you in."" The first man pulls out his keys and jingles them, ""these remind me of the bells at chr…

A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says, ""You can't bring that dog in here!"" The man, without missing a beat, says, ""This is my seeing eye dog."" ""Oh man, I'm sorry,"" the bartender says, ""I didn't realize you were blind. Here, the first drink's on me."" The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first man sees him, stops him and says, ""They don't allow dogs in here, so you won't get a dr…

Three men die on Christmas Day As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y. They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvise. So the first man digs into his pockets, and pulls out a set of keys, and he shakes them and says, ""See? They jingle like jingle bells."" So Peter tells him that will work a…

Two Irish men are nailing down floorboards The first man grabs a nail but it is upside down so he tosses it away. He grabs the next nail but it also upside down so he throws that away too. He continues this process until he finds one the right side down. The second man comes over and say ""What the hell are you doing?"" The first man replies, ""Im trying to nail down the floor boards but the nails are no good. They are upside down!"" The second man shakes his head and say, ""You idiot! Don't thr…

Three guys were walking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing h…

Three men in line to Heaven Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my …