Second Man Jokes

They're still yummy After a shipwreck, three men manage to swim to the safety of a small island. After recovering from their ordeal they begin to explore the island, searching for a way to get back to civilisation, when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals capture them and tie them up. The leader of the tribe says the the three men ""Go into the forest and each find 5 fruit. Once you have done this, return here or we will eat you"". So the men are untied and wander off into the d…

Hunting There were three men going out hunting one day. They came across a fourth Hunter leaving the public property with a very nice eight point. Immediately they ask the man where he got it, but unwilling to share many secrets the man said "" I followed the tracks."" The first Hunter of the three who had just arrived decides to go do as the man says while the other two stay and talk with each other. After awhile the man comes back with a six point and when the other two men ask how he replies,…

Hungry Englishman One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two Englishmen along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, ""Why are you eating grass?"" ""We don't have any money for food,"" the poor man replied. ""We have to eat grass."" ""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"" the Scotsman said. ""But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, unde…

Three men are walking to the gates of heaven together. They had a long walk ahead of them, so they decided to discuss the ways the had died. The first man began, ""Well, I was cleaning the windows outside the apartment building I work at when, all of the sudden, the mechanism holding me up snapped! Luckily I caught hold of a window ledge, but then I felt two hard stomps smash both my hands of the ledge. Thankfully I wasn't too high up because I managed to hit the ground without any serious injur…

Two chemists walk in a bar... The first one said: ""Can I have a glass of H2O?"" The second one said: ""I'd like some H2O too"" The second man died.

Three men walk up to the gates of heaven together. They had a long walk ahead of them, so they decided to discuss the ways the had died. The first man began, ""Well, I was cleaning the windows outside the apartment building I work at when, all of the sudden, the mechanism holding me up snapped! Luckily I caught hold of a window ledge, but then I felt two hard stomps smash both my hands of the ledge. Thankfully I wasn't too high up because I managed to hit the ground without any serious injuries.…

Dog Ma Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting there licking its balls. ""Boy, I wish I could do that"" the first man says. Second man replies, ""Don't be silly, that dog would bit you.""

Two men walk into a bar. First one says ""I'll have an H20."" Second man says, ""You know what? I'll have an H20 too."" The second man dies.

CIA Test gone horribly wrong Three CIA agents, two male and one female, were called in for a briefing. An agent was needed to go on a top secret mission and that agent could have nothing but absolute loyalty to the goal. ""To test that absolute loyalty,"" said the director, ""we have put your spouses in the other room. Take this gun and shoot your spouse."" The first man went into the room and came out almost immediately. ""I can't do it."" The second man went in and there was about 5 minutes of…

My math teacher told me this one today Two guys were flying over the Sahara Desert in a hot air balloon. They were completely lost, and had no way to find out where to go to get to civilization. Suddenly, they see a man walking on the ground. Thinking they may be close to some kind of settlement, one guy calls down to the man: ""HEY! WHERE ARE WE?!"" The two in the balloon wait what seems like forever, until finally the man calls back: ""IN THE DESERT!"" and the man was then lost from their sigh…

There are three married men who are friends at a christmas party. The first man called his wife over and handed her a present. It was an expensive diamond ring. She hugged him and gave him a kiss. The second man went to the car and carried in a box. It was a massage chair. His wife came over and was ecstatic. The third man had no present, and his wife wasn't even there. The others were confused. ""Where's your wife?"" One of the men asked. The third man says, ""My wife said she wanted a dog for …

There were four men sitting on a couch, each wanting to watch the TV. The first man was keen to watch the grand national (horse racing). The second man was keen to watch wrestling. The third man was keen to watch a televised nature documentary. And the fourth man wanted to watch christian hymns. As they began to argue about what program to watch, the remote control got stuck down the side of the couch and the TV began flicking through the channels itself. The TV could soon be heard saying: ...""…

Two men get into an elevator in a doctors office. One man, beaming says to the other, ""I just got a brand new hearing aid. It works great; if you were to drop a pin, I could hear it; if a mouse were to sneeze cross the street, I would hear it."" The second man replies ""thats impressive, what kind is it?"" The first man looks down at his watch and says ""11 o'clock.""

There are two men sitting on a plane next to each and they both have black eyes... They begin talking and of course the black eyes come up. First man says "" It's a funny story... I was going to buy my ticket and when i stepped up to the window, I saw the most beautiful blonde with the biggest rack I had ever seen. I got flustered and mixed my words up. I meant to say, I need one ticket to Pittsburgh. But what I actually said is, I need one picket to Tittsburgh. Then she punched me right in the …

Two Jewish men are talking [This joke is best when read with a heavy Yiddish accent.] The first man says ""Oy vei! This is a disaster! My son has fallen in love with this Christian girl. He is running off to become a Christian!"" The second man replies ""Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! This is a disaster indeed. We should go consult the rabbi and ask what to do."" So they go down to their synagogue and go up to the rabbi and say ""Rabbi! Rabbi! We both have a problem. Our sons are ru…

Privileged Dog A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a ""sniffing dog."" His name is Sniffer and he, the best there is. CII show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."" The plane…

A wealthy lawyer was riding around town in his limo when he saw 2 homeless men eating grass A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, ""Why are you eating grass?"" ""We don't have any money for food,"" the poor man replied. ""We have to eat grass."" ""Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"" the lawyer said. ""But sir, I have a …

Two men are standing in line at a bakery when an old man joins them. There's a cute young woman behind the counter when the first man tells her his order. 'I'll have a loaf of sour dough and how about some raisin bread.' At this point the second man in line looks back at the old man and tells him to watch. The old man then sees the lady behind the counter grab a ladder and climb up to the very top shelf where the raisin bread is located. The lady is wearing a fairly short skirt and when she gets…

Three deceased appeared before st. peter in heaven... Peter asked one of the deceased what he made in his previous life. The soul replied, ""$300,000, I was a lawyer."" Peter questioned the second deceased with the same question. ""$75,000"" the second man replied, ""I was a salesman."" Peter finally asked the third deceased how much he made to which the third man sheepishly replied, ""Around $6000, I..."" Peter interrupted the man, exclaiming, ""OOOOOOH, what instrument did you play?!"" (I hear…

Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion. ""I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there,"" said the first man. ""20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there,"" said the second man. Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, ""You should go to hell, I hear that there are …

The anti-drug campaign Two men join a local anti-drug campaign. They walk up to the person running the campaign. The man looks towards them and says, ""Ah, I'm guessing you two are here for the campaign."" The two men agree and the manager of the campaign said, ""Alright guys, we were just running a little contest, here's the deal. You have to take [this](http://i.imgur.com/0eKMWGO.jpg) picture and try to persuade people to sign the petition with it. Whoever gets the most signatures, wins a hund…

90 Year old Ukranian man told me this one: Three men die of natural causes and are in line at the pearly gates, waiting to hear if they will be saved or damned. When the first man gets to the front of the line Saint Peter says to him ""You have been single all your life, so you will go to hell because your life was like heaven"". The second man is now at the front of the line and Saint Peter says to him ""You have been married all your life, so you will go to heaven because your life was like he…

A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation. As the bartender cleans the last few glasses before he kicks the three men out, he decides it's worth a shot to try to cheer these poor guys up. He goes up to them and asks what's got them down. As it turns out, the three of them have all just be…

Three men are on a plane all three of them have weapons. Halfway through the flight an attendant notices the weapons. She tells the men they cant have the weapons on the plane. The first man drops his arrows from the window. The second man drops his gun from the window. The third man drops his bomb. After the plane lands, the third man is walking along. He notices a little girl crying. ""Little Girl, why are you crying?"" He asks ""My dad just got hit by an arrow."" she replies. Sheepishly he ru…

3 friends are on an island when they discover a bottle... ... When they rub the bottle, a genie comes out. He decides to grant each of them 1 wish. ""I wish for a boat and all the fuel to get home"" The first man says. ""I wish for a plane and all the fuel to get home"" The second man says. The first two man leave. The third man says ""I'm lonely. I wish my friends were here.""