Second Man Jokes

Four men went golfing together one day... Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadill…

Two men are golfing at a local golf course The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer. The second man is in awe. ""Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."" The man replies, ""Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.""

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a Pork pie. The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin. About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie. The barman gladly serves him, and the man drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on top of this head and walks out with it balanced on his head.…

Marrying a Canadian woman Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By …

Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says, ""We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"" The man says, ""I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."" The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into forks afterwards. The chief then walks up to the second man and says, ""We will roast your flesh over the fire and have a great feast! Do you have any la…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, ""They're…

In heaven, in order to see what vehicle you will be given, Peter must ask you a question... The first man comes up, and Peter asks, ""Have you ever cheated on your wife?"" The man answers, ""no never!"" Peter replies, ""ok, you get a Rolls Royce."" A second man comes up, Peter asks him the same question and he answers, ""well once or twice, but only in the first year!"" ""Ok, you get a Buick"" A third man comes up, Peter asks him the question, and he answers, ""yeah, but not the last year!"" ""O…

Three men walk into a party. The first man beelines toward a table with a bowl of punch. The second man closely follows. A few people are ahead of them so while they wait the first man turns to the second man and asks: ""Have you ever heard the one about the garden gnome?"" The second man replies ""No, not that I can recall..."" The first man begins ""Well you see, a garden gnome, a snake, and a raven walk into a bar."" The second man interrupts ""Snakes don't walk! They slither."" The first man…

Three men in line for heaven... Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came int…

Entrance to Heaven Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, ""you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. ""This represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ""These are bells."" He's allowed in too. ""So,"" Peter says to the third man, ""what do yo…

Two old men...... ......decide that they were close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town. After a few drinks they end up in a brothel. The madam takes one look at the 2 old geezers and asks the manager, ""Set up two blow-up dolls in first two rooms upstairs. These guys are so drunk, they would not notice. I am not wasting two of my girls on them!"" The manager does as he was asked and the men then goes upstairs and take care of their business. On their way back home…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day... Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I c…

Two men after finding Canada are decided what to name it The first man says let's put all the letters of the alphabet in a bag and the ones we pick out will be what we name it, eh? The second man starts pulling letters out of a bag he says, "" C, eh, N, eh, D, eh"" and then Canada was born

Grass Eaters One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. ""Why are you eating grass?"" he asked one man. ""We don't have any money for food."", The poor man replied. ""Oh, come along with me then."" ""But sir, I have a wife with two children!"" ""Bring them along! And you, come with us too!"", he said to the other man. ""But sir, I have a wife with six children!"" the …

A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss... A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss. ""Before you go in for your interview,"" she said, ""just be aware that he doesn't have any ears and he's super sensitive about it. Whatever you do, don't draw any attention to it."" ""Oh, ok thanks!"" said the man. When he went in for the interview the man with no ears looks at him and said, ""do you n…

Gary and the Parrot. Gary owns a pet shop. One day a customer by the name Stacy walks in and is looking around and fancies a parrot. Looking at this Gary says, that the parrot can talk fluently. Stacy: What do you think about me dear parrot? Parrot: Stacy, You are one big Slut. Stacy and Gary are shocked. Gary takes the parrot to the back of the shop and finds a big bucket of water and dunks the parrot in it. Gary: Are you going to talking trash? Parrot: Of Course Gary. Again parrot is dunked in…

The Genie and the Demon Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges. ""You have freed me from my near-eternal captivity!"" the genie booms. ""As my rescuers, you are entitled to one wish each."" The first man excitedly blurts out, ""I wish for a billion--"" ""Now hold on just a minute!"" the genie …

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter who introduces them to an angel to show them where they would be staying. These men were greeted by this angel who says to them ""You're going to be spending a lot of time here in heaven and there is a lot to see, but first I'll show you where you guys will be staying."" So they began down the gold streets and into a neighborhood with large houses, the types of houses that you would find in the wealthiest part of town. They arr…

There are four people on a crashing plane but only three parachutes... First man goes ""I am a leading heart surgeon one of the best in the world, my patients and country need me"". He takes the first parachute and jumps. Second man arrogantly goes ""I am brilliant rocket scientist, one of the smartest men alive the world needs me"". He takes the second parachute and jumps. The two people left in the plane are an old man and a ten year old Boy Scout. Old man goes ""Son I'm old and frail don't ha…

two men are sitting in a bar One of them looks at the other and says ""you look familiar... whe're you from?"" The second man replies ""Ireland"" The first man look astonished and says "" No way I'm from Ireland me self , what a small world!"" The second man then looks at the first ""What city?"" The first man says ""Doublin?"" The second man looks astonished ""No way I'm from doublin me self ! What a small world"" The first man looks at the second man ""What school you go to?"" The second man r…

Three men are stranded in the desert... Survivors of a plane crash, the three men walk aimlessly in the hopes of finding the rest of humanity. Three days pass before they stumble on a door lying flat down in the sand next to a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie flies out and introduces itself. ""My name is Hector, and I'm going to be your salvation. This door will be my assistant!"", explained the genie. ""Simply jump over this door, and shout whatever you'd like to magically transform into in…

A man goes into a bar with his dog. A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ""You can't bring that dog in here!"" The guy, without missing a beat, says ""This is my seeing-eye dog."" ""Oh man, "" the bartender says, ""I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."" The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says ""You can't bring that dog in …

Three Men Were Standing In Line To Get Into Heaven Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-han…

Three men are waiting their turn outside a brothel. The madame informs them that her establishment charges $10 for every inch. The first man walks in and comes back out when he is finished. ""How much were you charged?"" His friends ask. To which the man smiles and replies ""70 bucks."" rather proudly. The second man walks in and comes back out when he is finished. ""Well fellas"", he says ""I guess I can't be too mad for having to pay $60."" The third man walks in and takes his time. When he co…

One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career. For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said ""No, …