Second Man Jokes

Three old deaf men on a train in London Deaf man number one says 'IS THIS WEMBLEY?' The second man replies 'NO IT'S THURSDAY.' and the third man replies 'ME TO. LETS GET OFF AND HAVE A PINT'

One afternoon, a wealthy Presidential candidate was riding in the back of his limousine... One afternoon, a wealthy Presidential candidate was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic migrant workers by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, ""Why are you eating grass?"" ""We don't have any money for food,"" the first man replied. ""Then you must come with me to my house,"" insisted the Presidential cand…

3 guys on a plane A plane full of people starts to go down. The captain says "" we have too much weight on board everyone needs to throw something out."" First a Canadian man walks over and throws out his hockey puck, then an American throws out his baseball, and a terrorist throws one of his bombs out. The plane lands safe and as the captain walks down the street he sees a man crying so he asks him ""why are you crying?"" he said ""a hockey puck came from the sky and hit me in the head."" He se…

Delivery coincidences,Haha! Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, ""Congratulations, you're the father of twins."" ""What a coincidence,"" the man says. ""I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."" A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, ""You are the father of triplets."" ""That's really an incredible coincidence,"" he answers. ""I work for the 3M Corporation."" An hour later, the…

3 men get sent to prison... each of them are told that they get to have one item in unlimited supply during their time in prison. The first man, an alcoholic, asks for an unlimited supply of beer. The second man, a book worm, asks for an unlimited access to the library. The third man, a smoker, asks for an unlimited supply of cigarettes. When the first man is released from prison, he says ""It wasn't all bad, I had my beer to keep me content!"". When the second man is released from prison, he sa…

Sniffer sniffer A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,…

Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets! Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, ""Congratulations! You're the father of twins."" ""That's odd,"" answers the man. ""I work for the Minnesota A nurse says to the second guy, ""Congratulations! You're the father of ""That's weird,"" answers the second man. ""I work for the 3M A nurse tells the third man, ""Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"…

So close to survival 3 men are flying in a small aircraft over the jungle and crash. As they try and fix the plane they are seized by a local canibalistic tribe. The tribe leader explained to them that if they want to live, then they must go out into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the same fruit; If they try to escape, they will be hunted and killed. The first man gets back to the tribe with 10 apples. The tribe leader tells him he must put all 10 up his bum without making any facial expressio…

Satanic math joke Two men walked into a cave. The first man, being braver, ventured further than the other. When he came to a dead end, he held his torch up and could see the wall covered in Satanic markings. When the second man asked him what he could see, the first man replied, ""Three sixes nine times for some reason.""

2 guys in the barber shop The barber finishes the 1st man shave and asks if he wants some colone. The man replies: No thanks, my wife would think i went to the brothel. After he finishes the shave on the second man he makes the same question. To which he replies: Sure, my wife has never been to a brothel, she doesnt know the smell.

Three men crashed in the desert... A plane carrying three men crashed in the desert. As the three were wandering around trying to find their way out, they chance across an old lamp and, rubbing it, out pops a genie who grants each of them one wish. ""I wish for a bottle of water, so that I won't get dehydrated,"" the first man says, and POOF! he receives a bottle of water. ""I wish for a sunhat, so that I will be shaded from the heat of the sun,"" the second man says, and POOF! he receives a hug…

3 drunk man and Taxi driver funny story Three drunk men hired a taxi from town center to their house. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he decided to cheat them. He started the engine, and instead of driving, turned it off after one minute. Then told the men, ""We have reached your house, get down."" The first man got down and handed him money. The second man said, ""Thank you"". The third man slapped the driver! The driver, shocked and thinking that the third man is aware of his pran…

The Haircut! Female version: First Woman: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute! Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking? First Woman: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think. Second Woman: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would real…

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks the man what he'll have to drink. Man replies, ""I'll take a Guinness."" The man looks down the row of the bar to see two drunk men being very loud. He hears the first man say to the other man, ""Aye, I like your accent. Where are you from?"" The second man replies, ""Me? I'm from Ireland."" to which the first man replies ""No way, I'm from Ireland too. Bartender 2 shots of Jameson and 2 Guinnesses"" The men share their drink toget…

Three men go to a magic cliff.... Three men go to a magic cliff that when you say something as you jump off you become what you said. The first man jumped and said ""bird,"".so he became a bird and flew off. The second man jumped and said ""plane,"" so he became a plane and flew off. That last man ran to jump off the cliff but tripped at the last second and said ""shit.""

Three young men were hitchhiking across the country When they came across a farm. Being extremely hungry they decide to raid the famers feilds. A short time later the farmer sees them and grabs his shot gun, then runs out to confront them. He rounds them all up and yells at them for a bit, then tells each of them that they can each pick only one piece of thier favorite fruit to keep. They all head back into the fields and a short time later the first man returns with a cherry. The farmer puts hi…

A bar purchases a robot and the robot is programmed to be able to talk to anyone; all they have to do is to tell the robot their IQ and it will strike up a relevant conversation with that person. A man walks in and the robot asks for his IQ. ""160'"" replied the man, so he and the robot start discussing string theory, the theory of relativity and the many universes in our solar system. A second man walks in and the robot asks the same question. ""120,"" replied the man so they start discussing c…

Three German artillerymen were on probation for lackluster performance. To secure continued enlistment in the military, they had to take a test that involved firing an egg out of a cannon, towards their commanding officer. They needed to use the smallest angle necessary to fire the egg in a way that didn't hit their CO. The first man fired too low and hit the CO with an egg. The CO pointed at the man and laughed, calling him a failure. The second man fired a little higher, but also hit the CO, c…

Courtesy of my ECON professor Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece. On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The first man says, ""You know, with all the money we spent, these fish cost us about $500 each."" The second man says, ""Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore.""

The world unites A Geordie bloke is stood outside his house and he sees a bloke from the next road over coming down his street ""OY! What are you doing in MY street?"". Before the second man can respond another bloke from Middlesbrough appears at the other end of the street ""OY!"", they both shout, ""what are you doing in OUR town?"". Before he has chance to respond a Londoner appears. ""OY southerner!"", all three shout, ""what are you doing up north?"". Before he can explain a Frenchman appea…

One of the funniest jokes I've ever seen... A man walks into a bar and screams at the top of his voice, ""I know the funniest joke ever! 10 and I will tell you it!"" A man at the far end, a regular holds up a 10 pound note and the man comes over and whispers the joke in his ear. The bar regular falls off his stool and laughs uncontrollably for around 30 minutes and as a result, is taken to the hospital. A second man is curious at how funny this joke could be so he holds up a 10 note and the man …

A man slips in a bar... A man slips on a turd that was on the bar's floor. Angry and confused, he goes to the bartender to complain. However, moments later another man walks into the bar and slips on the same piece of feces. The first man says ""I did that."" The second man punches him in the face.

Two men walk into a bar.. And after a few rounds the first man turned to the second and asked, ""where you from?"" The second man replied, ""Ireland!"" Excited, the first man said, ""bloody hell, thats whers I'm from, lets have a toast to Ireland!"" After a few more rounds, the first man turned to second and asked, ""where in Ireland are ya from?"" To which the second replied, ""Dublin mate."" Once again, the first man excitedly said, ""bloody hell, that's where I'm from, lets have a toast to Du…

Boonta Three men are marooned on island in the middle of the sea. They soon realize that the island is the home of the Wanooka tribe, known for being ruthless and murderous. They are captured and brought to the main village. The Wanooka chief goes of to the first man and asks him a question. ""Death or Boonta?"" The confused man didn't want to die, so he chose Boonta. Just then, three very small men popped out of a trap door in the ground. They started beating him mercilessly. They broke his leg…

Three friends make a bet to see who can order and eat the most without ordering a full portion of the meal. The first man points to a burger and chips and says, ""I would like this, but I only want three quarters of the meal."" So the guy gets the meal with less chips than the standard meal and eats it all. The second man points to a steak and says, ""I want four fifths of this steak."" The order is brought out and the man eats it up. The third man points to a sandwich and says, ""I would like o…