Putin Jokes

Medvedev calls Putin, nervously telling him that it would be a good idea to get rid of time zones altogether. "Why"? Putin asks ​ "I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she has it tomorrow. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it's not today." "Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when tha…

Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia. After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions. Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up. “Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr. “Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked. “Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell ra…

Russian Election One of Putin's ministers come to see him. "Sir, I have good news and bad news." Putin sighed and said, "tell me the bad news." "The bad news is that no-one voted for you in the election." Putin stood, his face flushed with anger. "Well, what's the good news?" The minister cowered before answering, "you won anyway!"

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask, "What are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "In your country or post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these a…

Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer. Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer. “How big is your land” asked Putin. Farmer responded proudly “From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land.” “Same square distance all around.” Farmer then asked Putin “How big is your land?” Putin responded he could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his la…

Vladimir Putin is riding around in his chauffeured Mercedes in Donbas... ... when a pig suddenly bursts out of the underbrush, runs in front of the car, and is immediately killed. Putin spots a farmhouse in the distance and tells his driver to go there and tell the people there what happened. The car drives up to the house, the driver knocks on the door and goes inside, while Putin waits in the car. A variety of loud noises come from the house, and an hour later, the driver comes out, thorou…

Putin comes to a barber for a haircut. He sits down, the barber takes his scissors and gets to work. Right before he starts, he asks "How are matters in Ukraine, Mr. President?" Then, a minute later "Is the army fighting well?" Then "How are the Navy operations?" A few more questions like that... at last, Putin snaps: **Putin**: Listen, what's with all the Ukraine questions?! Does the war really interest you so much?! **Barber**: No, not really. It's just so much easier to cut your hair while…

Putin made a huge mistake in his plans to increase the birth rate in Russia He just had killed the only Russian with balls

What do you call Putin smoking a joint? Vlad the Inhaler

Putin is woken up by one of his generals. The general says, “Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to talk about surrender.” Putin replies, “Sure! Get Zelensky on the phone with me.” The general asks, “What phone? They’re right here!”

Russian prime minister Mishustin comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones. "I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he tells me he had it yesterday. - I wish President Xi Jinping a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow." "Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that plane crashed with Prigozhin on board? I …

Putin goes to a psychic. She tells him he will die on a Ukrainian holiday. "Which holiday exactly?" asks Putin. "Any day that you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified. After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him. *"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."* *"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday, and they said the holiday was already over."* *"And then I called Xi Jinping to wish him a happy new year, and he said 'what, it's still the old year'."…

Russia has announced early results from the election The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit. I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese. EDIT: Wow. I did NOT expect this. Please check me out at https://linkpop.com/illgates <3

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech. “You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes!” Putin exclaims. His speechwriter replies: “Mr President, I gave you three copies.”

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!" Obama smiles and says: "This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!" Merkel stands next to them saying nothing. Suddenly the sea is rambling and a submarine emerges next to them. The top hatch opens and out pops and old man, raising his arm and shouting "HE…

What is common between Batman, Will Smith and Putin? They all attacked a comedian

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones. " I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow." "Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their pres…

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks. It was easier Z than done.

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes. Three days later he asks for a report. The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement and been executed. However, sir we have not found the thief." Putin became enraged and said, "You lazy men! You call that progress? Only twelve men. Go back out and seek fo…

Putin summons the ghost of Stalin. "Why is everything here so bad? What can I do to make Russia great again?" "Execute half of the population, and paint the Kremlin blue" advises Stalin. "Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin. "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

If I had a gun with 2 bullets and Hitler, Osama and Putin in a room, I'd probably shoot Putin twice. The other two are dead anyway.

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon ... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing. Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway” Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway” Zelensky throws out Putin and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway” and looks at Biden smugly as they crash an…

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive... Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message. 370HSSV-0773H Putin was baffled, so he emailed the message to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB either, so a double agent sent it to the CIA, then the NSA. They als…