Putin Jokes

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving? He's Russian to Turkey.

Did you see the President of Russia doing magic tricks outside? He was really Putin on a show

Obama had to phone Putin to arrange a meeting. They concluded they would meet over Christmas to arrange peaceful measures of retaliation in the current crisis. Worried about the food, Obama asked: ""What are you having for Christmas dinner, Putin?"" ""I think I'll have Turkey."" replied Putin.

Make sure you get your ham early for Christmas... Because thanks to Putin there will be no Turkey left.

Obama calls Putin and asks abut his Thanksgiving. Putin: Turkey is about to be cooked.

So Putin and Erdogan walk into a bar. Sorry, a war.

I hope you like double meat, because Putin is about to go HAM on Turkey

Obama calls Putin Obama: ""Hey! What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?"" Putin: ""Turkey""

With Turkey shooting down that Russian plane.. I guess Putin will be cooking Turkey for thanksgiving..

So I heard Russia banned Scientology... I guess they're not Putin up with that.

Looks like Putin is having Turkey for Thanksgiving aff

Why is Putin Always early? because hes Russian (rush-en)

A team of Russian atheletes did not do well at the Olympic Games. Putin summoned the team together with their head coach and his chief of KGB Nikolai to his office. ""You did not do a good job"", - said Putin, - ""But let us focus on the future. You will do much better in the next competition. I will make sure of that. Instead of your head coach, I put Nikolai in charge of your training. What competition is next on the calendar?"" Head coach: ""It's the Paralympic Games."" Putin: ""Nikolai, prep…

Bush, the Queen, Putin and Borisov are in front of 4 banks. So, Bush, The Queen, Putin and bulgaria's very own PM Borisov are standing in front of 4 banks. They decide to send in their best. Bush sends in his best marine platoon, and after 2 hours they come out with all the cash. The queen sends in her best SAS platoon, and after an hour, they come out with all the cash and everyone as hostages. Putin sends in his best Spetznaz platoon, and after 30 minutes, they come out with all the cash and n…

What did russian judge say to the jury? I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

First rule to losing weight as a political world leader You only get out what you Putin.

Putin, Angela Merkel and Obama stand ona a dock... Obama says ""The USA built a submarine that can dive for 1 week without needing to refuel."" Putin responds ""Our nuclear submarines can dive for a whole month!"" Suddenly a old submarine comes out of the water. The hatch opens, a Wehrmacht -soldier comes out and says ""Heil Hitler we need fuel""

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay? Putin! Putin!

Obama and Putin are fighting over a phone charger. You might even say they're in a power struggle.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine? Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing.

In Russia, if you're blue, and you don't where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits: Putin on the Ritz

Loyal Guards Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards. First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, ""Ivan, jump down."" Ivan replied in tears, ""Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."" Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out. Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee starte…

Donald Trump gets elected as President. 1st day in office: We have to bring back jobs from China, lets just call Xi Jinping and tell him he's fired! 2nd day is office: We have insert our dominance back in Europe and send Russia a message, lets just call Putin and threaten him with another Cold War. 3rd day in office: Need to solve the immigration issue, lets just call Nieto and tell him to stop sending rapists. 4th day in office: Need to renegotiate Iran Nuclear Deal, lets just call Khamenei and…

Putin is holding a press conference This is Russian joke. Putin is holding a press conference to see what problems in Russia need fixing. An old man walks up to the mic and says ""Mr. President, we are so poor, we cannot afford to eat, every night my wife and I go hungry. Can you fix this?"" Putin says ""I'm sorry, I cannot fix this."" The man continues ""Mr. President, my son is in the Army. Every day I'm worried he'll be killed in Ukraine. Can you fix this?"" Putin says ""I'm sorry, I cannot f…

You think das ist a long time? Obama, Putin and Merkel meet in Hamburg for a private summit, and Merkel decides to break the ice with a nice walk around the lake (Alster). Obama, admiring the foliage, says ""you know, in the States, we have forests so vast, that some military training exercises last as long as 2 years."" Putin replies, ""Ah yes, but Comrade, the vastness and beauty of the Siberian wilderness is such that our soldiers don't leave for 4 years!"" Merkel, being the peace-keeper betw…