Putin Jokes

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request “Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.” “We do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over?” “No problem, I’m on it,” sai…

Why was Putin late for dinner with Obama? Because he got Snowden.

Russian shit Parent calls up to child: Quit stalling in the bathroom! Child calls back: I'm not Stalin, I'm Putin!

Two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of the road. This was a joke Ronald Reagan told about Gorbachev, but most people probably forgot about Gorbachev, so I made it about Putin. These two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of a Russian highway. They both get a call from the Russian government telling them that every car caught speeding is to be pulled over and sent straight to jail. Now, Vladamir Putin was in a huge hurry that day, and he told his limo driver to s…

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these are as cheap as dirt." Then Vladimir Putin pulls a bottle of expensi…

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'" Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

With the situation in Ukraine... Putin is giving a speech to his people - My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder! Voice from the crowd: - We will work two shifts! - Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production! - We will work three shifts! - Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation? - I work at morgue...

Vladimir Putin Speech Vladimir Putin is giving a speech in Moscow. He is praising his government for bringing economic prosperity to the nation of Russia. "In my government every citizen has a television set and an automobile to drive!" He says to thunderous applause. Once the applause subsides, a hand goes up near where Putin is and he notices. He calls out to the man whose hand is raised and says, "What is it that you wish to say, citizen?" The man begins to speak to Putin and the crowd quie…

Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting They had a delightful conversation, until Putin wanted to show off the loyalty of his men. Putin ordered one of his bodyguards to jump off the window. The bodyguard seemed hesitant, and horrified, he begged for mercy. "Please sir! I got a wife and kids!" Putin seemed unsatisfied, but yet he understood since he practically asked the bodyguard to kill himself. Kim looked at Putin with sadistic smirk on his face, and Kim turned to his bodyguard n…

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror... (ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..." Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" …

Vladimir Putin making a school visit... Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as …

Vladmir Putin learns from Obama On his official visit to Washington, DC, Obama shows Putin around the White House. Putin is very impressed by the grandiose building. He can't stop staring at the decorated ceiling and the meticulously carved walls. He asks Obama "Tell me Mr. President, how do you have such a huge house, isn't the economy in depression?" Obama takes Putin to a massive glass window, points at something and asks him "It's very simple Mr. President, do you see that bridge over th…

Stalin appears in Putin's dream... Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Putin decides to invade Poland Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller. Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost. Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty. Putin: Rubles?!? Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off Step 2. Stalin Step 3. Russian to finish

Vladimir Putin Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit. Customs Officer: "Name?" Putin: "Vladimir Putin." Customs Officer: "Nationality?" Putin: "Russian." Customs Officer: "Occupation?" Putin: "No, just visiting."

Obama and Putin are walking on the beach. Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil Hitler! Do you have diesel?"

Putin goes on holiday! Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better. Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics. Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight. Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around. Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk y…

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument... The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines. Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies." Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!" Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a…

They named a road after Vladimir Putin in Moscow. Problem is, whenever someone crosses Putin, they have accident.

Putin dies and goes to hell Putin dies and goes to hell. One day the devil allows him a day back on earth. Putin goes to a bar in Moscow. He ask the bartender "Is Crimea ours?" "yes" "Donbass?" "Thats also ours" "Kyiv?" "Ours" Putin is happy and prepares to go back to hell, he asks the barteneder "How much do I owe you?" "5 euros"

Putin arrives in Mongolia and goes through customs Customs: Name? Putin: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin Customs: Occupation? Putin : No, just here for the day

Putin was being held hostage by a terrorist A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" The polieceman explained "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers…

Putin, after 10 days of Kursk catastrophe, summons Stalin’s ghost Stalin: “What’s happened?” Putin: “Nazis are at Kursk! My army is beaten! What should I do?” Stalin: “Do like me 1943. Send best Ukrainian tropps to the front, and ask the US for arms”