Ireland Jokes

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into an English bar... Credit to my friend for this one. Everyone orders drinks, and are brought an additional drink for free. "See?" says the Englishman, "When you order a drink in an English bar, they give you a second one for free." "That's nothing," says the Scot, "When you order a drink in a Scottish bar, they give you TWO free drinks. Three drinks for the price of one!" "It's even better in Ireland," says the Irishman, "Sometimes, when you o…

My favorite genie joke. An Irish farmer was tending to his land when he discovered a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. "For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any three wishes," he says. "Now, what is your first wish?" The farmer says, "I want the Huns to attack Ireland!" The genie questions the farmer, confused, but the farmer insists. The genie grants th wish, and the Huns begin their raid, killing, stealing, raping and pillaging all the way to Ireland and back.…

Logical conclusion... (longish) After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old cop…

Job Fatality in Ireland An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground. She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!" "Yes, tis" says the priest. "About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps. "There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned" "Was it a quick death, father?" "Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

Texan in Ireland A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness. He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping" Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether. About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge" The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs …

An Irishman walks into the pub... ...and orders three pints. The bartender asks. "Why three?" The man replies, "I told my two brothers back in Ireland that every day I would drink a pint to remember each of them." Time goes by, and every day the man orders three pints. Then one day, he orders only two. The bartender suddenly realizes what's happened, and says, "I'm so sorry for your loss." The man says, "Whatever do you mean?" "Well, I see you've ordered just two pints, I figured one of your…

An Irish guy goes to the same bar every day This Irish guy goes to the same bar every day and orders 3 shots of Jameson. So after a while the bar tender asks him why he orders 3 shots of Jameson every day. The man tells him that two of the shots are for his brothers shamus and laddie back in Ireland. And the third was for him. One day the man comes in and orders only two shots of Jameson. The bartender asks him if everything is ok with his brothers in Ireland. He tells the bartender; Oh ya e…

So goes the cow I feel like a **good** joke can be reposted about once a year on here (if a bad one can be posted once a month), so here goes: ^^[listen.to.it.here](http://vimeo.com/109935412) There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk to cheese and sell at the market to buy food. Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree. The mother wakes up, sees the milk cow dead and…

Best toast in all of Ireland John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside Me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. …

Tiger's balls On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?", asks the att…

Irishman and a Texan A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The Texan sa…

For my brothers back home in Ireland. An Irishman walks into a bar one night and orders three beers from the bartender. After drinking them he pays and goes home. The next night he comes back and orders three beers again, pays and goes home. This continues for a couple weeks before the bartender finally asks "why do you always buy three beers?" The Irishman replies "One for me, and two for my brothers back home in Ireland." He then drinks his three beers and goes home. After a month or so, …

Two Irishmen in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes t…

DRINKING BUDDIES Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coi…

The Irishman and the three beers An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him: * Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time? To what the Irish answers: * Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for e…

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’ The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ The other blo…

A Texan walks into an Irish pub... A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.…

Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

A Texan walks into an Irish bar... A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. …

Another version of that Ireland joke This is a repost, it's just that joke reminded me of this joke about a black boy. He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him. His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said. His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said." Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "…

Two men are talking in a bar... ...the first man asks the other, "So where are you from?" The other man replies "Ireland." The first man replies "No way, me too! I'll drink to that." The two men down their beers. "So where in Ireland are you from?" the second man says. "Dublin." "No kidding, me too!" he replies. Once again, they down their drinks. "Where in Dublin did you live?" asks the first man. "Main Street, and yourself?" the other replies. "I lived on Main Street too! Cheers!" h…

I can't find a single Ekans here in Ireland with Pokemon Go. Thanks, St Patrick

A guy walks into a bar A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy. The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?" The other guy says "I'm Irish". First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?" The second guy says "Dublin". First guy:"Me too! When did you graduate?" SG:"1978. What about you?" FG:"I graduated in '78 too. Where'd you go to school?" SG:"Saint Mary's. and you?" FG"I went to Saint Mary's too!" About that time, …

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, …

My Irish mom always told jokes about wee Paddy. This one was always my fave. There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee Paddy from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *Poof* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *Poof* he was gone. It was Paddy's turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish fo…