Ireland Jokes

Ireland has an abnormally low amount of children with down syndrome Because they ate all the potatoes

Irish Wife At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: ""At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."" The crowd cheered. The second speaker from Ame…

While visiting Ireland last year, a nice friendly old man said to me... ""Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there.""

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man all board a plane to America.... As they leave the airport from Heathrow and fly to america the Englishman has a bright idea. He turns around and says to the other two of his friends, ""why don't we throw some money out of the plane for good luck"". Brilliant idea they both turn around and say. So the Englishman goes first. He throws a 50 pence coin out of the airplane as they fly over England. When they fly over Scotland the Scottish man thinks, ""we…

Leprechaun caught while golfing A man in Ireland is playing golf alone when he hooks a shot into the bushes. He pushes his way into the undergrowth and finds his ball...resting a foot away from an embarrassed looking Leprechaun stuck in the jaws of a steel rodent trap. Shocked for a only a moment, he pries open the trap with his club then steps back. ""Well, it wasn't in the standard way, but ya done caught me fair and square. What are ye three wishes?"" asked the Leprechaun. ""My good sir, good…

An American, an Irishman and a Mexican walk into a... boat The boat's sinking. They need to get rid of some things. The Irishman says, ""I'll throw my beer into the ocean... We got plenty of that in Ireland!"" The Mexican says, ""I'll throw out my tacos. We got plenty of those in Mexico."" The American says' ""I'll throw out the Mexican, we got plenty of those in America!""

Irish men at a pub Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, ""So where are you from?"" ""I'm from Ireland."" ""Me too! I'll drink to that."" They both finish their pints and order two more. ""Where in Ireland are you from?"" ""Dublin."" ""Me too! I'll drink to that."" They both finish their pints and order two more. ""Where in Dublin are you from?"" ""The East Side."" ""The East Side? …

New Irish sport A new sport is sweeping Ireland. Apparently everyone gathers round and watches a scruffily dressed man lazing about. It's called ""Tramp-o-leaning"".

""So this guy walks into a bar and orders three beers... ...several nights a week and drinks them down. The bartender asks him why he doesn't order them one at a time so they will stay cold. The guy replies ""I'm from Ireland and my brothers are still there. This helps me to think that they're right here with me"". Months go by and the guy walks in, sits down and orders two beers with a frown and drinks them down. The bartender fearing the man lost one of his brothers comes over to offer condole…

came from my uncle: Why is the capitol of Ireland growing so fast? because the population is always Dublin.

Another Irish Joke Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says ""What will ya have?"" At the same time the two men say ""A pint of Guinness."" They look at each other and one says ""You look familiar, are you from Ireland?"" The man replies ""Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually."" The other man replies ""Me too! What town!?"" The man says ""I'm from Belcamp."" The other man replies ""Me too! What street?"" Man replies ""Clonshaugh Road."" The other man again replies ""I…

A priest and a nun were visiting from Ireland to New York City one day... And heard that in the US they eat dogs. The two decided that ""when in Rome"", so they took it upon themselves to find this cousine to sample. They were strolling through central park and heard someone yelling "" dogs here, get yer dogs!"" And found a hot dog cart vendor. They both ordered one each and sat down at a park bench to eat them. The nun unwrapped her dog first and took a look, then turned to the priest and asked…

4 men on a sinking boat On a trip to the sea, an American, a Russian, a Mexican and an Irishman were sailing on the boat. In the middle of the rough ocean, the boat, unable to carry so much weight, started to sink. ""We have to do something!"" yelled the Russian man. ""Let us each throw some of our things off the boat to reduce our total weight."" He went to his backpack of vodka, grabbed it, and tossed it off the boat. ""We got so much vodka back in Mother Russia, a little vodka gone won't chan…

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald sto…

An elderly man walks into a bar He hears the other patrons discussing marriage. ""My wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary next week,"" he proudly tells them. ""That's wonderful,"" one of the others says, ""What's your secret for a long and happy marriaige?"" ""Well, you've got to do nice things for her,"" he explains. ""Such as what?"" the others ask. ""Well, for example for our 25th anniversary I took her to Ireland."" ""That is nice,"" they others agree. ""What are you doing for your…

A man on holiday in Ireland goes into a pub... And it is awful; the barman barely acknowledges him, the beer is warm, the food is cold, nobody wants to talk to him and there's not even any music going on. Turned out it was one of those English theme pubs

A plane ride. A Canadian, an Irishman, and a Mexican are on a plane. So they're flying over Mexico and the Mexican dropped a coin because he loves his country. Then, they fly over Ireland and the Irishman dropped a coin because he loves his country. But when they flew over Canada the Canadian dropped a bomb because he hates his country. The next day the Mexican was walking down the street and saw a little boy crying so he asked why. The little boy said ""A coin fell down and killed my Mom!"". Th…

An Irishman reluctantly has to leave Ireland. Upon arriving in Canada, the first thing he does is pop into a bar and order three pints. The barman serves him and curious, asks: ""Why are you ordering three pints at a time? The Irishman looks up and tells him that he left two brothers at home who he had done everything with, including drinking. So as a way of remembering them, he decided to order three pints, one for himself and one for each brother. The barman understood and this carried on for …

A stranger walks into a pub in rural Ireland... which is in a really small town where everyone knows each other. He sits down at the counter and the publican goes over to receive his order. The guy orders three whiskeys, all in separate glasses. Thinking this is odd, but not wanting to turn the guy down for want of business, the publican gives him what he wants. He watches as the guy downs the whiskeys one at a time, leaves some money on the counter, and leaves. He does this every day for the ne…

The town council of Blarney, Ireland held a contest for a new tourism slogan... The winner was ""Pog mo Stone.""

A man was walking down the streets of Ireland... ...until a man came up behind him and pointed a gun to his head. The man with the gun asks ""Are you Protestant or Catholic?"" The man then figured he was done for, since if he answers Protestant and the man with the gun was Catholic, he would get killed; and likewise, if he said he was Catholic and the man with the guy was Protestant, then he would still get killed. Thinking up a quick plan the man answers that he is indeed Jewish. The man with t…

An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time... His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions. He walks into the pub and yells, ""Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone to take me to kiss this famous Blarney's Stone I've heard so much about."" There's a small stir in the bar as every Irishman scowls at him, until one m…

A man got a job in Ireland... A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move. The day before they were to leave, she asked him, ""Are you sure about this?"" He tried to clam her down, saying ""Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary.""

A man notices two women sitting at the bar have heavy accents. He approaches them and says, ""By any chance, are you two ladies from Ireland?"" ""It's Wales, you idiot,"" one snaps back at him. ""Oh, I'm sorry,"" he says. ""Are you two whales from Ireland?""

What did the pedophile from Ireland say? Irish I was a little boy.