Ireland Jokes

The first gay couple has married in Ireland. Please send best regards to Gerald Fitzpatrick who wedded Patrick Fitzgerald.

I met a gay couple in Ireland the other day Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

Ireland has suffered its worst aviation disaster in history after a 2 seat Cessna crashed in a graveyard this evening... Irish Search and Rescue say they have recovered 835 bodies so far and expect to find far more as digging continues throughout the night.

Ireland is beautiful Too bad Irish people live there

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks the man what he'll have to drink. Man replies, ""I'll take a Guinness."" The man looks down the row of the bar to see two drunk men being very loud. He hears the first man say to the other man, ""Aye, I like your accent. Where are you from?"" The second man replies, ""Me? I'm from Ireland."" to which the first man replies ""No way, I'm from Ireland too. Bartender 2 shots of Jameson and 2 Guinnesses"" The men share their drink toget…

An Irish Catholic priest goes on a pilgrimage In a small village in Ireland, the priest from the local church was called upon to make a pilgrimage to the Vatican. As he was saying goodbye to his constituents, he was greeted by Patty and Maggie, the town's newest young couple. ""Please father,"" said Maggie, ""we've been having a bit of trouble having some children lately. We were wondering if, when you go on your pilgrimage, you wouldn't mind lighting a candle for us at St. Peter's Basilica, in …

An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging..... in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago. The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago. The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent. The Mother Superior answers. ""Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior,"" the first leprechaun says, ""but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"" ""Why, no little man"" says she, ""we have no midget nuns in this convent."" ""Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"" ""No, little man"" ""Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"" ""No, little man."" ""So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of…

So an old British gentlemen visits Ireland and remembers the good old days when he was posted there.. * He orders tea from a roadside cafe and sees a young irish guy sticking his finger in the cup while he brings him the tea. * He takes the tea and while sipping it talks to the boy.. when will you bloody learn some manners , this is not how you hold a cup of tea. * Young boy: Sorry sir, i hurt my finger this morning , the doctor told me to keep it warm * Old guy: Fkin stick it up ur bum then its…

Two men walk into a bar.. And after a few rounds the first man turned to the second and asked, ""where you from?"" The second man replied, ""Ireland!"" Excited, the first man said, ""bloody hell, thats whers I'm from, lets have a toast to Ireland!"" After a few more rounds, the first man turned to second and asked, ""where in Ireland are ya from?"" To which the second replied, ""Dublin mate."" Once again, the first man excitedly said, ""bloody hell, that's where I'm from, lets have a toast to Du…

Irish I could say I came up with these St. Patty's Day jokes What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? -A rash of good luck. Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland? - He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? -Regular rocks are too heavy. How did the Irish Jig get started? -Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife? - A bachelor. ""I married an Irishman on St. Pat…

They don't set the bar very high in Ireland... It makes the leprechauns angry.

What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland? Paddy O' Furniture

The Englishmen & the salmon. Two English guys (John & Dave) were visiting Ireland & after a few days of traveling around, they found themselves in a very rural pub enjoying the local beer. They drank for many hours & when it came to closing time, they were both *extremely* drunk so they left the pub & staggered up the laneway towards their lodgings. On the way, under the dim street light they saw two local Irishmen walking towards them carrying what was the biggest salmon the…

UK Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was 2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple that the price would be 39.00. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost 2000.00 in England! The agent turned his comp…

I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week. I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.

Irish wake-up call A family from the States are on holiday in Ireland, and arrive at their hotel in the middle of the night . The father of the family asks the man at reception for a wake up cal for 8am for their tour of the town the following morning and heads straight to bed. The phone in their room rings and is answered by the father. ""Hello, yess, who is this?"" ""Ahh hello der sir, 'tis the reception, dat wake-up call, 'twas it for 6am or 7am?"" ""What? NO!, Damn it what time is it now?"" …

The Irish Nun and warm milk In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the gla…

An English battleship is sailing... near Ireland and receives a message: Irish: ""SHIP, CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH TO AVOID COLLISION"" British: ""NEGATIVE, YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES SOUTH TO AVOID COLLISION"" Irish: ""NEGATIVE, CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH TO AVOID COLLISION"" British: ""NEGATIVE. WE ARE A BATTLESHIP THAT IS A PART OF THE ROYAL NAVY, WE ARE BACKED BY 5 DESTROYERS, 4 ADDITIONAL BATTLESHIPS, AND 2 AIRCRAFT CARRIERS."" Irish: ""WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE. YOUR DECISION""

An Irishman and an Englishman are sitting in a bar. The Irishman raises his shotglass and announces, ""If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all the world!"" The Englishman raises his glass and replies, ""If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all of Ireland.""

So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland. He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is. So he walks up to him and says, ""Are you Irish, boy?"" and the man responds, ""Aye, half."" Then old timer says, ""Oh ya, what's the other half?"" and the man says to the bartender, ""Guinness""

Babies Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions of Ireland with no running water, no electricity, none of the creature comforts. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labor. The local doctor is there in attendance. ""What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"" ""Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!"" The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. ""Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."" ""Saints be praised, I..."" Before Mike can f…

Agricultural Addiction There was a young boy in rural Ireland who became absolutely obsessed with tractors. Everything was about tractors. He collected toy ones, he'd go out to the fields to watch them work, and he wanted to be a tractor driver when he grew up. Eventually the obsession became too much and he began to miss school, so his parents put him into therapy to cure his addiction. He completed his therapy and was back to normal. Many years later when the man was married with a family, a f…

I heard that Ireland is the richest country in the world.... Its capital has been Dublin for over a hundred years now.

A Texan is touring around Ireland... When he sees a man digging in the ground. He shouts over to him:""What are ya digging for?"". The Irishman looks up, shows him what he has in his hand and says potatoes. ""You call that a potato! Why, back in Texas we have potatoes six times bigger!"" ""Ah"" says the Irishman ""you see here we only grow them the size of our mouth.""