Ireland Jokes

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash. He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull. Farmer:- ""Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"" Texan:- ""Well sir, this here is what you call a pit bull terrier one of...if not **the** most aggressive & feared fighting dog in the world, th…

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs. Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him. The English woman said: ""Have you ever had a hug?"" The man said ""No,"" so she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, ""Have you ever had a kiss?"" The man said, ""No,"" so she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on. The Irish woman came to him and said: …

What would you order... From a menstruating ice cream scooper in Ireland? Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

Irish dirt farmers There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk to cheese and sell at the market to buy food. Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree. The mother wakes up, sees the milk cow dead and her husband hanging from the tree and throws herself into the river and she washes up on the shore. The oldest son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, his father hanged and, by his…

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, …

There's these two Irish guys... And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation. The first Irishman goes, ""Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"" The second one replies, ""Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"" The first Irishman smiles brightly, ""NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"" The two Irishmen down their drinks and keep chatting. ""Well, where in Ireland are you from?"" ""Dublin!"" ""NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drink…

A Tesco Burger, produced in Ireland walks into a bar.. He says to the barman 'Can I have a pint please?' Barman says 'Sorry pal, didn't quite catch that, speak up a bit' Burger says 'Sorry there, I'm a little bit horse'

Two men sitting at a bar... Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, ""Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!"" The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, ""Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?"" ""I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman!"" The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, ""By chance, did yo…

Irish cream The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow woul…

An Irish travel agent gives advice So there is this Irish Travel Agent and he always tries to get people to go to and visit Ireland, this old woman asks him where she should go visit..so he starts talking about how great Ireland is and the lady says back, well "" I don't like cold weather, the constant rain, and all the Catholics there. So the travel agent says back to her "" Well ma'am then you should go to hell, its hot, it never rains and there are no catholics...

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland One is holding a large cross and the other a large star of david. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the star of david but drop money in the other guy's hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the star of david and says, ""Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll…

I was in a pub... I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, ""Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"" One of them chirped saying, ""It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"" So, I immediately apologized and said, ""I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"" That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.' The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. 'Is your bet still good?' asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the barte…

If all of Ireland sank, what part of it wouldn't? County Cork

Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? Because it's capital is always Dublin.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers and I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line …

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, ""O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."" Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. ""Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."" O'Brian burst into tears, ""Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."" ""Well…

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender…

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: ""Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"" ""And the best of the day t…

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. ""Begorrah, Colleen,"" says her mother. ""Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"" Colleen replies, ""Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"" When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few mo…

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. ""Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"" the guide said. ""Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorr…

An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up for a mere $150 the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity signed by Saint Patrick himself. Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. ""I've got the very thing for you"" said the Irishman. ""It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick"". ""You swindler!"" shouted …

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims ""Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"" F…

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. ""Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone""the guide said. ""Unfortunately it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.…

A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. ""I'll have fish and chips twice"" he orders. ""Sure I heard you the first time"" came the reply.