Ireland Jokes

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are using the urinal The Irishman finishes first, goes to the washbasin, and lathers his hands up thoroughly before rinsing off with a gallon of water, then dries his hands on a stack of paper towels and says "In Ireland, we are taught that cleanliness is next to Godliness." The Scotsman takes his turn and uses a tiny wipe of soap, a few drops of water and a single paper towel, and says "In Scotland, we are taught to be frugal in our use of valuable re…

An American in Ireland goes to a local pub. After having a pint, he decides to have a little fun. “I’ll pay 500 dollars to whomever drinks 10 pints of Guinness in 5 minutes”, he says. Nobody takes him up on his offer but one guy quickly runs out of the pub. 5 minutes later he comes back, says “I’ll do it”, and then proceeds downing 10 pints in 5 minutes. Impressed, the American pays him the money, and asks “Where did you go right after I made the offer?” The guy says: “Oh, I just ran …

CIA loses an agent The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, “All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well.” The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Mur…

My grandfather came to America from Ireland to find a better life. My grandmother came not long after, tracked him down, and put a stop to that.

An Englishman, a Scots man, and an Irish man are sentenced to 100 lashes The judge was in a benevolent mood though and offered them each a request that maybe would make it easier on them. The Scottish man asked for a pillow to be strapped to his back, but it had worn away after 50 lashes and he suffered for the remaining 50. The Englishman being smart asked for 2 pillows, and he didn't feel any of the lashes on his back. Before the Irishman was asked, the judge said "I love Ireland, it has g…

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them …

Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid. As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady Crofton-Smythe told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available. Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used. Lady Crofton-Smythe, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to …

Two guys in a bar Two old men are sitting in a bar. One of them looks at the other & says “You look familiar… where you from?” The second old man replies “Ireland” The first old man looks astonished & says ” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!” The second old man then looks at the first “What city?” The first old man says “Dublin?” The second old man looks astonished “No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.” The first man looks at the second old ma…

An Irishman walks into a bar. . . . . . and there is only one other guy in the bar. He goes down and sits next to the guy. He orders a big beer. The other guy says, “I couldn’t help noticing by your accent you seem to be from Ireland.” The other guy says, “As a matter of fact I am. Let’s drink to Ireland.” And they do and tell the bartender to set them up again. Then one asks, “Where are you from in Ireland?” The other says,”I’m from Dublin.” The other exclaimed, “That’s amazing! I’m from Dubli…

A secret agent is sent to Ireland to deliver a top secret package "Go to this small town in Ireland, find our agent named O'Malley and say the following to him: 'the shadows of the moon are getting dark.' He'll reply 'but the sun will guarantee the light.' When he says that, give him the package and head home." So the agent goes to the small Irish town but only sees a handful of shops and a farm. He walks up to the farmer and says "I'm looking for a man named O'Malley." The farmer replies "yo…

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the b…

How to approach an attractive woman in Ireland. Here’s a guide for any Americans guys visiting Ireland. The best way to chat up an attractive looking woman in Ireland is to ask her: “So, what part of Poland are you from?”.

An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub… … and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less.” He pulls out a wad of cash and smashes it down on the bar. The barkeep chortles. The crowd looks about in silence for a second, then…

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully. Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife: "Mary...I've not much time left. So I want to ask you something that's bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the t…

Honest Priest A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child, What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie…

Electrical Hum - True story Was working on a Generator switchgear with the factory representative who was from Ireland and we had the generators running and the electrical panel open with all the thick bare copper busbars visible. As most may know anything with a ton of electricity flowing through it makes this humming sound. I told the rep that the hum always makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. He said " Do u know why it hums?" Me, expecting a technical response, " No I dont kn…

Guinness A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes an…

Blarney A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back t…

Murphy's Pub **Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”** **The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”** **The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”** **The other bloke answers, “Im from Dublin, I am.”** **The first one responds, “So am I!”** **“Mother Mary and begorra. And what street did you live…

One sunny day in Ireland two men were sitting in a pub

A man out golfing meets a leprechaun [Long] One Saturday afternoon in Ireland

Why wasn’t the nativity in Ireland? Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world? Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Ireland After last call