Ireland Jokes

My Socials Teacher just posted this long Potato Pun A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, And finally they got married, and had a little sweet Potato, which they Called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots Yam said not to worry, no…

An American, an Englishman and a Norwegian are sitting in a pub ... An American, an Englishman and a Norwegian are sitting in a pub arguing on which of them are the best. The American says ""Well, when our Air Force is in the air, they are so massive you cannot even see a glimpse of the sky between them!"". ""Thats nothing!"" says the Englishman, ""when our fleet lay side by side, you can walk from England to Ireland!"". ""Thats nothing"" the Norwegian calmly states, ""when I'm fully erect I can…

A joke for the Irish. A man gets a job in a pub in a tiny village in the nack of nowhere in Ireland. On his first night there an old farmer comes in and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. The barman pulls the pints and watches him drink them slowly, one after the other. When he finishes he asks for another 3 pints. This goes on all night until the barman finally says ""You know, you'd be better off getting one at a time so they stay fresh"". The old farmer replies ""Shur I know that. But I have a bro…

I once dated a strict Catholic from the south of Ireland I'll tell you what, you can take the girl out of Cork....

An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast... A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him. ""Millie up, ya Croppy shite!"" Said the thug. ""I'll blast yer papist skull!"" ""Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney."" Replied the Irishman. ""I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."" ""Ha!"" Said the thug. ""Good craic! I tricked ya. I knew ya was a gee-bag Orangeman. Time to die, Protty!"" ""Stay a little, ya mingin' muppet!"" Urged the Irishman. ""Begorah, I'm no Protestant either!"…

During WWII, American soldiers that were stationed in Ireland brought with them nylon stockings Many local women became infatuated with the American soldiers, leading to a new local saying concerning the women and their stockings: One yank and they're off.

My uncle went to Ireland on holidays but didn't have time to go to Clare. He really wanted to see Moher

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer... ...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper. *Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church* Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant. Standing in the doorway is a young man, smile on his face, ready to work, however there is an obvious issue - he has **no arms.** ""Mornin, Father. Here about the bellringer job,…

Doctor and rabbit Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too. Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke? No. Do you eat too much? No. Do you go to bed late? No. Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No. Then why would you want to live more than 100 years? Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood. Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name's day Your Holiness! - Pope: But tod…

Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland? Cause they keep *Dublin* the taxes.

Mother Superior And The Leprechans The Mother Superior of an Irish convent hear a knock at the door and went to answer it. When she opened the door, she saw two leprechauns standing outside. One of the leprechauns took off his hat and said, ""Begging your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you be having any midget nuns here?"" The Mother Superior said, ""No, we have no midget nuns here."" The leprechaun, looking disturbed, said, ""Are you quite sure, Mother Superior?"" The Mother Superior said, …

Tiger Woods goes to Ireland for an Golf Open. After winning the tournament, he decides he's going to rent a Mercedes and see the countryside. After driving for a while, he stops at a small one pump gas station. Getting out of his car, a couple of golf tees fall out of his pocket and on to the ground. While filling up his car, he notices an old Irish man sitting in a chair on the patio of the gas station. ""Good day, sir."" ""Aye, good to ye... May I ask you a question then?"" Tiger, ""Yes sir, o…

WALKS INTO A BAR... BEER BROTHERS A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, ""Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."" The man says, ""You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow…

Just retelling an old joke I heard a long time ago There were 3 people from 3 different areas (either from different cities, or from different countries, from memory). They were faced with some sort of question, or faced a relatively common situation, or something. The first two (who were from a similar area to where I am from) answered or acted in a quite sensible and generally acceptable way. The third one (from a different geographical area) answered in quite a foolish way and his (or her) an…

What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.

I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks. I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, ""Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"" One of them screamed, ""It's Wales you idiot!"" So, I immediately apologized and said, ""Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"" That's all I remember.

A man is walking down the street in Belfast one night... ...when he feels someone come up behind him, press a gun into his back, and lead him into an alleyway. ""Alright, then,"" the assailant's voice says, ""Are you Catholic or Protestant?"" Knowing that the wrong choice could be disastrous, the man spits out, ""I'm... I'm Jewish!"" ""Well, if that don't make me the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland...""

How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland? By sending in millions of Muslims

U2's Ireland shows have sold out. Expect a ticket through your letterbox any day now courtesy of Bono.

It's Paddy's first time out of Ireland and he's on a Mediterranean cruise. His breakfast table assignment is with a Frenchman. Neither speak the other's language. The first day, the latter's first words to Paddy are ""bon appetite"", and the former responds ""Paddy Murphy."" This exact exchange happens the next day as well. The third day Paddy arrives first at the table and the French waiter who has witnessed these exchanges, says to him ""Monsieur, when he says 'bon appetite' it means 'have a g…

A man walks into a bar A man walks into a half empty bar and says to the bartender ""If I show you something amazing will you give me a free drink?"" ""You know bud,"" the world-weary bartender says, ""I've been in this business for a long, long time and it will take something pretty freaking special to impress me but if you think you can give it a shot"". The man smiles and lifts a carry-on type suitcase onto the bar, opens it, reaches in and withdraws a small grand piano and places it on the b…

What side of the road do they drive on in ireland? None. They're so drunk and violent no one is allowed to drive.

An Irish descendant of Winston Churchill learns about a potential ban of alcohol in his country. ""We shall defend our Ireland, whatever the cost may be, we shall drink on the beaches, we shall drink many rounds, we shall drink in the fields and in the streets, we shall drink in the hills; we shall never surrender.""

The first gay wedding will be taking place in Ireland next week The men's names are Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

It was always going to be a yes vote on gay marriage in Ireland. . . No reason to drink otherwise.