Winston Churchill Jokes

WINSTON CHURCHILL: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: "Yeah... and sharks"

As Winston Churchill once said, "Wait a minute -- I never said this."

Winston Churchill enters the Men's room... ... at the House of Commons, and see Clement Attlee, the Head of the Labor Party. Rather than joining Attlee and conversing, Churchill goes to the far end of the piss trough. Attlee says, ""What's the matter Winnie, not feeling sociable today?"" Churchill replies, ""No, it's just that whenever you Socialist boys see something big, you want to nationalize it.""

An Irish descendant of Winston Churchill learns about a potential ban of alcohol in his country. ""We shall defend our Ireland, whatever the cost may be, we shall drink on the beaches, we shall drink many rounds, we shall drink in the fields and in the streets, we shall drink in the hills; we shall never surrender.""

A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk' to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill.

My Favorite Politician Quote (not sure if this belongs here but what the hell) ""Madam, I may be drunk but you're ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober."" - Winston Churchill

""As long as you append my name to a quote,... people would buy into it and take it seriously."" - Winston Churchill

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, ""This was England's finest hour."" Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, ""Winston Churchill."" ""Congratulations,"" said the teacher, ""you may go home."" The teacher then said, ""Ask not what your country can do for you."" Before she could finish this quote, a…

Father: Son at your age Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad at your age he had become the Prime Minister of England.

Classic Winston Churchill wit.... These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them: Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning." Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clement Atlee: "he seems like a modest fellow." Churchill: "He has much to be modest about." Actor friend sent telegram to Churchill: "MY NEW SHOW OPENS IN WEST END TOMORROW NIGHT. HAVE R…