Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.

Old Insults One night when my grandfather was a little drunk, he started describing a woman he once new and he had the most hilariousness old insults. If you know some good old insults please add them in the comments but I'll start with some of the ones I've heard. She had a face that could stop a 7 day clock. -Daniel Mance She was uglier than a hedge fence. -Daniel Mance That woman's as cold as a nudist on an iceberg. -Foghorn Leghorn Nice boy but he's got more nerve than a bum tooth. -Foghorn …

An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar. It starts to get late and the bar tender says ""Sorry pal, last call"" Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first. ""I must have had more than I thought."" He thinks to himself. Looking at the door he thinks ""If I can just make it there, a bit of fresh air will have me good as new."" So the old man crawls to the door and props himself up, he takes a breath and …

Elderly husband announces he is going out for some vigara... Wife says ""Ill go too, I should get a tetanus shot."" Husband - ""Why do you need a tetanus shot?"" Wife- ""Well, I figure, as rusty as your pecker is, I should play on the safe side!"" Courtesy of a random old pecker at the bar today.