New York Times Jokes

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what's going on.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I've used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.

Bill Clinton is working at a newsstand. A woman asks him ""How can I buy the New York Times?"" He replies ""Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

What paper do you read? The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country. The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country. The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country. The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. The NY Daily News - Read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they can get a seat on the subway. The San …

now i get it... maria sharapova's campaign with canon New York Times reports on Maria Sharapova being barred from Pro Tennis for 2 years for testing positive for Meldonium. Now I understand what she meant in those commercials when she said ""Make every shot a POWER shot!""

Resurrecting an old joke From the October 13, 1974 edition of the New York Times. A romantic chap fell in love with a noted soprano. Her voice was glorious. He tracked his soprano from stage door to stage door and finally by strong perseverance won her hand. On their wedding night he waited, expectant and worshipful. His soprano bride came in stage left. And removed her hair. And removed her upper plate. Turns out she also has a modest hunchback. Her new husband took one short glance, closed his…

Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese Newspaper. Do you get it? . . . . . . . Me neither, I get the New York Times

""The New York Times"" isn't the punchline... but... http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2015/01/correction-of-the-day-200768.html?ml=tl_4

A New York Times reporter is interviewing some people The first question asked is ""What is your honest opinion about the shortage of meat in the world?"" The interview was a huge failure... The African asks ""What does meat mean?"". The American asks ""What does shortage mean?"". The Chinese person asks ""What does opinion mean?"". The Russian asks ""What does honest mean?"" The North Korean just waits. The reporter asks again, and is told ""The Interview is no good!""

Why the chicken cross the road .... to get the Chinese newspaper. Do you get it? Neither do I, I get the new york times

Copper Wire After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : ""American archaeologists, having found…

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New…

Old technology After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having f…

Copper Wire After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having foun…

A Jewish lady wants an obituary for her husband. A Jewish lady calls the New York Times and says "I want an obituary for my husband." The person at the times says "it's 10$ a word". "10$ a word!" The lady exclaims. "Fine" she says "Burnstein dies". The lady says "there is a minimum of 5 words". "Fine" she grumbles, "Burnstein dies Buick for sale". EDIT: Holy Moly front page! I'd like to thank everyone! You all are amazing EDIT 2: Quote marks

Logical conclusion... (longish) After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old cop…

A child falls into a lion pit at the zoo... The crowd is shocked, but a man jumps into the pit, punches the lion, and returns the child to safety. Another man runs up to the hero and says "I'm a reporter for the New York Times, and what you did is incredible! This deserves to be on the front page tomorrow, just tell me what your occupation is and your political affiliation is." The hero replied "I'm a marine, and I'm a Republican." The next day, the front page of the New York Times reads "REP…

A Democrat was riding on the subway reading Breitbart. His friend is on the same subway car and asks him why he would read such a thing. “You see,” replied the Democrat with the paper. “I used to read the New York Times, but what did I find? Democrats votes suppressed, Democrats behind in every poll, Democrats being attacked. So I switched to the Republican newspaper. Now what do I find? Democrats control the media, Democrats are rich and powerful, Democrats are controlling the weather, Democ…

Why does the New York Times hire Jews? So they can put out a paper on December 26th.