Hillary Jokes

It's the end of the presidential race... ...and all the candidates were so bad nobody voted. Barrack Obama decides to have a 'literal' presidential race. Trump goes first, and gets 13:12. Hillary knows she has to run as fast as she can to beat him. She tramples all the flowers and runs as fast as she can to beat Trump. She comes with a time of 10:11. ""That must be a record!"" She pants Obama replies: ""No, bush did 9:11.""

Hillary demands that Trump release his tax returns Trump says - I'll email them to you.

If Hillary and Trump were on a boat and it sank, who would survive? America

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, ""See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie."" I will definitely win the election. The Donald says to Hillary, ""That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."" Donald goes to t…

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. ""Kenny,"" he says. ""And what is your question, Kenny?"" she asks. ""I have three questions,"" he says. ""First -- what happened in Benghazi? ""Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ""Th…

Hillary and Donald are just like Joker and Harley Quinn... A multi billion dollar industry is going out of their ways to make them look like good guys

Plane Problems ""May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"" She then hears a voice on the radio saying: ""This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position. She then says…

We all know how Bill cheated on Hillary with Monica Lewinsky. Well, did you hear that Hillary cheated on Bill with somebody named Ben Ghazi?

Bill & Hillary are on the mound of Yankees Stadium Before one of their games. Bill picks up Hillary and heaves her towards home plate. As the SS run over to help her up, One of their handlers screams at him, ""Mr. President! You were supposed to throw the first *pitch!*""

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and a young girl all board a small plane... Midway through the flight, the pilot has a stroke and the plane starts to go down. There are only three parachutes on board and the four passengers quickly discuss who of them will take them. Immediately the Donald says, ""I'm the first human orange to be nominated for president, I should be given the chance to live!"" He quickly grabs the first chute, slings it on his back, and hops out of the plane. Befo…

Hillary sees a boy with a box of kittens and asks the boy what kind of kittens they are. ""They're Democrats!"" replies the boy. A couple of days later, she sees the boy again, and she has Bill in tow. ""Hi! Tell my husband what kind of kittens those are!"" ""They're Republicans!"" replies the boy. Confused, Hillary asks ""What? Didn't you say they were Democrats before?"" The boy laughs, and says ""Yeah, but their eyes are open now!""

Why is Hillary running for President? Because it's easier than running from the law.

Why did Hillary go to the gynecologist? She was feelin' the Bern!

Sure Hillary sucks... ...Just not as much as Monica.

What's the difference between Hillary and a piece of fruit? [deleted]

If you were in a room with Hillary and Trump A news reporter was looking for everyday people to voice their opinion on the election of 2016. A man volunteers to be interviewed by the reporter. Reporter: ""Who do you support in this year's election?"" Man: ""That's a rather difficult question to answer, they're both morons."" Reporter: ""Let's put it this way, if you were in a room with Hillary and Trump, with a gun that only has one bullet who would you shoot?"" Man: ""Myself.""

I just heard Bill is interested in Hillary again... She's barely legal...

If Trump and Hillary were stranded on a boat, who would survive?? America.

Why was Hillary thrown out of a restaurant? She trashed the bill. Alt punch line 1 (u/Causative): She demanded her own private server and tried to have her meals removed.

I was looking to buy a truck I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to see how that new truck would ""feel"" before they become old. The salesperson was wearing a ""Hillary for President"" lapel pin and sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its ""wonderful"" options. The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the …

Donald Trump just announced Mike Pence to be his Running Mate. If Hillary wants to one up Trump in that regard, her running mate should be Mike Tuppence.

If Hillary becomes president... ...will that make Bill the first husband?

The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie. Whoever wins, we lose.

Coma's can really change the meaning of a sentence... For instance: * Hillary is in a hurry. * Hillary is in a coma.

What would Hillary tell Bill when she will sit at the Oval Office? ""Close, Bill, but no cigar!""