Hillary Jokes

Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve. Hillary tells the bartender: "Good evening, my man! Pour me a drink, I'm tired and thirsty from all the campaigning." Donald Trump then says: "Merry Christmas! I want a drink too." He then looks closely at the bartender and says, "You are incredibly ugly. And bald. I hate ugly people. I have always been a very beautiful man. Because I'm beautiful and a winner and ahead…

Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ...

Hillary Meets with Satan Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer... "I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents." Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?" "Abso…

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.   Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her id…

Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career. At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle o…

Hillary Clinton and her chauffeur are driving on a country road. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death. The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Hillary says to her chauffeur, "You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig" The chauffeur does as he's told. A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lip…

Hillary is pregnant. Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her. She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what ha…

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach... One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The genie, having been in the lamp for eons, didn't know anything about this and asked Bill to explain. Bill pulled out a map of the Middle East an…

The devil's offer One day, a number of years ago, the devil visited Hillary Clinton at her law office in Arkansas. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. One day, I might even make you President. All I require in return is that your husband's soul, your daughter's soul, and her children's souls rot in hell for et…

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. ”What happened to you?” asked Hillary. ”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the …

Hillary Clinton is elected President. On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest" *Hillary laughs in his face* On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive t…

Hillary Clinton speaks to the schoolchildren Teacher: Class please welcome Hillary Clinton today. She will answer your questions. Hillary: Hello class. Who has the first question? *Johnny raises hand* Johnny: My name is Johnny. I have 3 questions. - Why did you lie about Benghazi? - What was in those emails you deleted? - And does your pattern of corruption mean we can never trust you? *The recess bell rings and the children return 40 minutes later.* Hillary: Ok. Where were we? Who has a …

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for …

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says... "With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy." Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it." And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!

Hillary Clinton Meets Satan Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer. “I am here to make you a deal,” the Devil says. “I will give you unlimited wealth, power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents.” Hillary ponders for a moment and then asks, “Unlimited wealth and power?” “Completely unlim…

Did you read the joke Hillary emailed to Obama?

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed...." When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew wh…

Hillary Clinton comes home one day and finds Bill putting a large box back into the closet... ...she asks him what it's for and he responds, "Don't worry honey. Just forget about it." She does until a few weeks later when her curiosity peaks. She looks in the box and finds $80,000 and 2 soda cans. When bill gets home she asks him about the box and why there's $80,000 and soda cans in there. He responds, "well honey, I put a soda can in there everytime I cheat on you." Hillary responds, "Well…

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenny," he says. "And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- …

Nice pigs sir A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm. The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir." Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea." The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate... "Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?" Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself. "Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton set aside their differences to talk to a group of third graders... So Hillary tells the students, "Today we are going to talk about the difference between a tragedy, a great loss, and an accident. Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out on the street after a ball and gets hit by a car?" Donald goes, "No, that would be an accident, can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a …

Hillary Clinton walks into a bar... Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash. The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!" Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow." The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."