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It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail... He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress. ""Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"" Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says ""How about a quickie?"" The waitress is appalled. ""Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton.""

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An Italian guy named Vinny comes to America to become an American Citizen... To become an American citizen Vinny has to go to court and stand in front of a judge. Vinny brings his whole family to the courtroom to cheer him on. They are a very loud and rambunctious Italian family. Vinny stands in front of the judge and the judge says, ""Ok Vinny, before you become an American citizen I have to ask you a few questions about American history"" Vinny very confidently says, ""Hey, not a problem judge

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Clinton consults the past Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, ""George, what should I do?"" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, ""Abolish the IRS and start over."" She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk. Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask ""Tom, what should I do?"" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, ""Abolish welfare and start over."" She thought about

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Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency... ""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"" ""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help"" said Putin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"" ""Why certainly! I'll get right on it

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George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ""Is someone in your house?"" He said ""No, but some people are breaking into

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So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, ""What are these clocks for?"" St. Peter replies, ""These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice."" The man then asks, ""So where is George Bush's clock?"" St. Peter replies, ""Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it a

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George goes to his physician. George went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. ""Why not?' asked ""Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor ""But I need it really bad,' said George ""Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor. George answered, ""My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dos

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""What is the fastest thing you know?"" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates. Dave, the American, replied,""A THOUGHT"". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."" ""That's very good!"" replied the interviewer. ""And now you sir?"" he asked Vladimir , the Russian. ""Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know. ""Excellent!"" said

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George went on a vacation to the Middle East... George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, ""My friend, the sending of a

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George W. Bush goes in for an interview George W. Bush, out of work and bored after his presidency, decides to go for the job of Exxon's CEO. The board of directors sits down with him for an interview. ""George, you're extremely qualified. Prior CEO of an oil company, Yale undergrad, Harvard Business, governor of Texas, and commander-in-chief. We'd be lucky to have you, truth be told. We just had a question about a gap in your resume - specifically, how you managed to graduate high school. It sa

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A Story if Trump Wins The Election Donald Trump won the 2016 Presidential election. The first night was packed full of activities and tours of the White House. Trump finally got to his room and was falling asleep in his new bed and saw the ghost of George Washington appear in front of him during his dream. Donald called out to him, ""President Washington, he called, how do I become a great President for the United States?"" George thought for a moment and said to Trump, ""President Trump, he sai

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Bombs & Berries So during World War 2 it was super cold in Nazi Germany. The American troops were told if they were ever in a rough situation, to look for frozen squirrls at the base of trees, and place the frozen squirrl between their thighs to warm it up; The squirls would be so gratefull for the rescue, they would scurry off and find some of it's little squirly stashed food, and share it with the rescuer. A news reporter recently interviewd surviving veterans, and one told his story. ""We

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Look inside her mouth George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped his car and ran to him. ""Tim! Are you all right?"" Sobbing, Tim moaned, ""Look at my new car!"" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree. ""Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."" ""But look inside the car."" George did and said, ""Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry! You can always get another girlfriend."" Tim wailed, ""Look inside her mouth!""

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Heaven's Clocks A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. ""Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once."" She is amazed at this and goes looking. She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at

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The Jew's Mistress A wealthy Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, ""Who the hell was that?"" ""Oh,"" replies the husband, ""she's my mistress."" ""Well, that's the last straw,"" says the wife. ""I've had enough, I want a divorce!"" ""I can understand that,"" replie

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My friend works as a CNA and was taking care of a patient with dementia/Alzheimer's. My friend was telling me about the patient. The patient was confused, she would talk to her walking cane. She named it George. I asked my friend why she was in the hospital. My friend proceeded to tell me that the patient used to live in a nursing home and was assaulted by a black female resident. Turns out, they got into a fight and she was beaten very badly; ironically, the other resident used a walking cane t

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