George Jokes

George Washington's bark was from the same tree as his bite.

Americas Pastime The year was 1976 and George and his friends wanted to play baseball. So, natrually, they go knocking on kids doors asking if they also wanted to play. Finally they get to Tommys house. They knock and Tommys Mother answers the door. The kids ask her if Tommy could play too. She replies with ""Well Tommy has no arms or legs"". The kids then replied ""Its ok we need a home plate""!

Fastest thang in the universe An Indian Joke - Masterpiece! After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and an Indian. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ""What is the fastest thing you know?"" Dave, the American, replied,""A THOUGHT""…

Two Newfies are moose hunting... When they stop for a bite to eat. One newfie opens up a thermos and begins to pour out some soup. ""Whaddya got there George by?"" ""Oh dis is me Thermos Steve by, keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold! You should get one fer yerself by."" So the next day they are in the woods again and stopped for a snack. Steve hauls out the biggest thermos George has ever seen. ""Lord Jesus by thats some thermos ya got there Steve by!"" ""Yes my son picked her up yeste…

A man is strolling a baby... A man is strolling a baby through the center of town and the whole time while his baby is crying he says ""Quiet George."", ""Calm down George."", ""It will be alright George."". A woman notices him and goes to him: ""You must be a wonderful father to be trying to calm down your son."" The man looks her dead in the eyes and says: ""My name is George."".

Sevebty-year-old George. ... Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: ""But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: ""Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims t…

A group of bikers see a girl about to jump off a bridge... Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" She says tearfully, ""I'm …

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers.... ....were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" She says tearfully, ""I'm going to commit suicide!!"" While he didn't want to…

Why were George and Lennie sad? (Of mice and men joke) Because they ran out of Weed :D

Three men are talking about how to make women stop whining Jack says : Last year I took her and we went to the bahamas and this year I will take her to Hawaii John says : Last year I took her and we went to Greece and this year I will take her to Brazil . What about you George ? George says : Last year I took her and we went up to the mountains . John replies : What about this year George ? Then George says : Ergh this year I am thinking of going to take her back .

Bush Senior broke his neck He was trying to show Jeb Bush how to dodge wrenches, hey Jeb if George can dog a shoe then I can dog wrench!

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, ""What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!""The doctor chimed in, ""I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!""The priest said, ""Here comes the green-keeper. Let'shave a word with him.""He said, ""Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?""The green-keeper replied, ""Oh, yes. That's a gro…

George bush was attending a morning press conference... Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud ""This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"" ""OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE"" Screamed the president The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst. A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone ""how many is three brazillion?""

Joey's walking down Main Street when he passes George, and George looks frantic. ""Joey! Joey, you gotta help me,"" says George. ""Why? What's wrong?"" ""It's Phil! He's suicidal! You gotta go talk to him. He just got a job at the new soda pop bottling plant, and it's ruining him."" So Joey rushes down the soda pop plant to talk to Phil. ""Phil! What's wrong? I just saw Joey and he said you were really upset by your new job."" ""What? I don't know why he'd say that. I saw him earlier today, and …

a few lighter-side ""yo momma"" jokes in general, the vast majority of ""yo momma"" jokes I hear are simply nasty or mean, with the only ""humour"" lying in the gross factor and/or the insulting nature of the dig (obviously those belong in /r/insults). but every now and then I hear a good one that makes me genuinely laugh, usually because of a silly and/or unexpected element. here's a selection: yo momma's so short on her driver's license picture you can see her feet yo momma's glasses are so th…

I'm having a kid with George Foreman! My girlfriend of 6 months walks in. Her: ""Honey! I'm pregnant...with George Foreman's child! Me: No way! Are you kidding with me? Her: Nope! We're having a grill! my slightly funny joke thx

Husbands, dreams, and dragons Three ladies are sitting around, discussing their husbands. The first lady says, ""I once dreamt that I married a dragon. The very next day, I met Glen. I knew he was the one when I saw that he had three dragons tattooed on his arm."" The second responds, ""That's funny! I had a dream just like that and the next day, I met George. He turned out to have two dragons on his chest!"" The third pipes up, ""My dream was a little different and I decided to marry Ken when I…

I turned my hobby into a job - George, Gynecologist

Jon and George Play Snooker/Pool Jon is a young man about in his mid 30s and George is 67 years old. Once they meet for their first frame of the match, Jon thinks to him self oh great he's got on a pair of huge bifocals this should be to easy. After about 5 frames George has won the match. Jon asks how did you do it, George replies ""Well I see a small ball, and a big ball, I also see a small pocket and a big pocket so I hit the small ball into the big pocket"" So after hearing this Jon got hims…

Two Police Officers out on a beat [NSFW] Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, ""Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."" George replied, ""We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."" It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back …

A simple SFW joke Son: Dad, why are you spanking me? I admitted I chopped down the cherry tree. Even George Washington's father didn't spank him for that. Father: Yes, but his father wasn't in the tree when it happened!

George has a problem ... he pees in his bed at night. So he decides to go to the doctor to fix the problem. ""Well George, can you tell me what exactly happens each night that might be causing the problem?"" ""Well,"" George said, ""When I fall asleep I have a dream where this small little dwarf comes to me and says 'Did you do pee pee'? And I say 'No'. So he says 'So go pee pee!' And so ... I do ..."" ""I see,"" says the doctor ... ""I have a solution for you George - Next time the dwarf asks y…

An old couple went to heaven After spending 60 years being married. When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, ""Welcome! Let me show you what we have."" The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment. ""You'll never find anywhere better!"" George said. Looking at this, the woman was overjoyed, but the man seemed slightly angry. Then the saint showed them an extremely long buffet table. ""You can find any food in the world …

Who is the best drummer in the Beatles? It's between George, John and Paul... We all know it isn't Ringo

THE GOLFER'S 10 MINUTE The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time…