George Jokes

Biker Kisses Back on September 9th, a group of Peking, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'se…

A plane runs out of gas mid flight... While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn't have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot comes back and informs them that there are only 6 parachutes. The pilot says "I helped fly the plane, so I should get one." The pilot jumps out with a parachute. The…

What's with all the clocks? A man who recently died had a meeting with God. He was waiting outside, looking at a large wall of clocks outside his office. God stepped out to invite him inside. **M:** Hey, what's with all these clocks? **G:** Ah, this is the wall shows every lie everyone has ever told. The lies are represented by clocks. Every time someone tells a lie, the clock moves 1 minute. **M:** Wow there's a lot of people up here. Look, George Washington's clock never moved! Mine is at …

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . . and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie." She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that." The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of Thomas Jefferson resp…

Trump is asked the answer to 2+2. "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you.…

A man gets so drunk at a bar that... He pukes down the front of his shirt. He begins freaking out and says, "oh no! What do I do? My wife said if she caught me drinking too much again that she would throw me out of the house." A fellow patron emerges with a plan. "Give me $20." Desperate he gives it to him. The patron proceeds to stuff the $20 bill into the mans puke covered front shirt pocket and says, "go home. when you get there, tell your wife that someone else at the bar got so drunk that…

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship. Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship. As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!" George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!" Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Last kiss Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So ...they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn'…

"What is the fastest thing you know?" "What is the fastest thing you know?" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates. Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian. "Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest…

Hillary Clinton speaks to the schoolchildren Teacher: Class please welcome Hillary Clinton today. She will answer your questions. Hillary: Hello class. Who has the first question? *Johnny raises hand* Johnny: My name is Johnny. I have 3 questions. - Why did you lie about Benghazi? - What was in those emails you deleted? - And does your pattern of corruption mean we can never trust you? *The recess bell rings and the children return 40 minutes later.* Hillary: Ok. Where were we? Who has a …

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a striking…

George Bush is with the Queen of England. George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?" "Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" The Queen: "Easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?" David…

A blonde takes part in a game show [Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"] First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last? a) 99 years b) 116 years c) 100 years d) 150 years The blonde prefers to use her one free pass joker at this point, so here comes the next question: where does the Panama hat originate from? a) Ecuador b) Venezuela c) Colombia d) Panama T…

AN ENGINEER, DOCTOR, AND PASTOR GOLFING A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind…

It was the best KISS hed ever had. A group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn'…

George was on trial for stealing luggage, but it didn't take long... It was only a brief case.

How to report a crime George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police disp…

Two surveyors, George and Mike, are out hunting in the woods... ...when they suddenly realize they've become hopelessly lost. They look every which way, but the only things they see all around them are trees. Mike sits down on a fallen log, his rifle across his lap, and says to George "Well, we're lost. What are we gonna do now?" George thinks for a second before pulling a grade stake and a sharpie from his back pocket. He writes "Benchmark" on one side of the stake and "Do Not Disturb" on th…

Which rock group has four men, including one named George and another who was shot to death? Mount Rushmore

A detective was once called to a farm in rural Tennessee to investigate a murder. [OC] Upon arriving, he asked the farmer what had happened. “Well” the farmer said, “I was working in my barn, replacing the oil filter on the tractor when I heard somebody scream, then a loud ‘wham’, and then silence. I rushed outside and saw my farmhand, dead in the middle of the yard, with a pool of blood forming around his head” “Hmmm” said the detective, “any witnesses who might have seen what happened?” “T…

Kathy's New Job After a long stint in prison, Kathy managed to secure herself a job at a candy shop She arrived on the first day wearing a proper yet practical dress. However, her first day was set to be retrieving candy at the front register The first customer came, looked at the candy, and asked for liquorice. This was on the top shelf, so Kathy had to climb up and down the ladder to get it The second customer came, checked the candy shelf, and asked for peppermint. These were also on the …

Sam said to Fred, “I put £20 on a horse last week, and he came in at twenty-five to one.” “Wow! you must be loaded,” said Fred. “Not really,” said George. “The rest of the field came in at twelve-thirty.”

Paul: "So, anybody have any ideas for the last part of 'Hey,Jude'?" John: "Nah." George: "Nah." Ringo: "Nah."

George goes inside a market to buy some food... He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg: George: Hello miss! Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you? George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper? Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped each potato in a piece of paper, put them in a bag and gave them to George. George: Can i please have 7 kilograms of onions, but again, can you wrap them individually in paper? …

George the mailman It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was me…