Food Jokes

A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.

Be yourself. Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.

I bet Nutritionist-Dieticians instagram the food pyramid a lot

Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes"

No, I do not have food in my teeth; haven't you ever heard of tooth freckles? Now go away & leave me that toothpick. Jerk.

My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

"I want frog legs." -Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Pizza" "My new boyfriend who? "No. Pizza" "My future husband who?" "No." "Playing hard to get who?"

Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?

Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too? Her: No I in team Me: Isn't 1 in diet either. Her: Yes there.. Me: I'm too hungry for your mindgames!

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs? Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

The only food in Hell is the part of the popcorn kernel that gets stuck between your teeth. Also they have an Olive Garden.

Pizza Hut Employee: I'm sorry but we don't deliver bog grass. I'm not even sure what that is. Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

All it takes is a "food dreadful, service poor" Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.

I'm not hungry but I'm going to eat these Oreos because they're there. Americans.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave

*brakes hard* *throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

The way I see it, each lap I make around Costco's frozen food section should work off each sample I get from the ice cream sandwich lady.

If I turn the food pyramid upside down it's way easier to eat out of it.

LIFE HACK: when at a restaurant with a long wait, resort to cannibalism

I think my microwave's broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.