Food Jokes

Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant. Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole- Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I know I should be searching for my missing friend, but there's a lot of food in his apartment that'll spoil if I don't eat it.

Just had a vegetarian meal with a nonalcoholic beverage at a restaurant whose produce are 80% locally grown. Feeling pretty smug.

Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby. Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

They have a sea food place at Sea World. How morbid. What if I'm eating a slow leaner.

[Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

4 y/o: What's your job? Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food... 4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

[on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...

My 2-year-old ate the crust off her pizza but left the cheese and pepperoni untouched. Apparently I'm raising the Antichrist.

Pot is a gateway drug. But the gateway is cluttered with gallons of ice cream & stacks of pizza, so it's hard to pass through.

It's important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you're all set to go

This liquid diet crap is a scam. I've been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I'm still fat.

I maintain a lifelong grudge against anyone at a restaurant who orders after me yet gets their food before me.

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"

Our kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair

Dad: I'm so hungry. Me: Hi, so hungry I'm son! *Dad turns head very slowly* [camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

A vegan girl told me that, "If you eat beef, you're basically a velociraptor." In what world is that not totally awesome.

Pizza jokes are all about delivery.

I want to grow my own food but I can't seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.