I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant "food." I try to find the food in every situation.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Restaurant] Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*goes into kitchen *makes toast *pours coffee *sits at table *opens Sunday paper "WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?" *sighs *leaves#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Don't have your phone number posted on FB if you don't want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.#Food#Technology#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face#Food#Technology#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wonder why's theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him"Hi, how are you"? "Sorry I don't speak Chinese" Great. I've raised a douche!#Korean Restaurant#Son And Korean#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The makers of Dr Pepper are changing their recipe, using less expensive ingredients. The new soda will be called, Nurse Practicioner Pepper.#Dr Pepper#Food#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing.#Animals#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.#Pizza Hut#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn't about the food being Chinese, it's about you being American.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*white girls at restaurant* *orders 5 course meal* *posts pictures of food onto Instagram* "Check! We're done here" *leaves without eating*#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.#Marriage#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The best way to tell if a movie character is depressed is if there are a bunch of open chinese food containers sitting around#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.#Food#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A vegan, a priest, & a rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan pretty much just blabs on & on about how he's a vegan for the next hour. The end.#Food#Religion#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"#Animals#Food#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp