Food Jokes

I do this amazing trick where I can erase every restaurant from your memory. Ready? Ok, here goes... "Where should we go for dinner?"

girl at restaurant: "Are you Tony Hawk?" me: "Yes." her: "Why?" I had no idea how to answer.

Me: "I'd like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please." Man: "That isn't how a food bank works, sir."

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say "I don't think you're ready."

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy GODZILA: i cant, im on a...low-car diet MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb GODZILA: ha ha HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.

Yes, I DO think "did you bring my pizza?" is an acceptable answer when you're in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Food just tastes better upside-down 1. upside-down cake 2. hamburgers 3. not cereal tho 4. oh no cereal is everywhere 5. why did I do this

Technically there is a lot of food in this house but none it is sweet or microwaveable therefore there is no food in the house.

Soup: for when you want to be hungry again in 20 minutes

Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make. Unless you're super hungry, in which case you're allowed to mow people down.

Woke up so hungry I could eat my own cooking!

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

"You spent hours slaving away in the kitchen yesterday. Relax. Let me sort out dinner today." *Orders pizza

We have enough breakfast items for the toaster now, food scientists. Move on to the car heater vent.

I love comfort food. I'm going to eat a quilt.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There's PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don't enjoy yourself.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

Jeff: i'm pro gun. Me: i'm anti gun. Greg: i'm vegan. Me: i'm pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

I like how supermarkets don't give a shit if an avocado is anywhere near ripe. They're like "here, buy this, it may eventually become food"

How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"

My current diet all ends with an S. Pizzas. Hamburgers. Tacos. Nachos. Everything that's in sights.

[at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it.

Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?