Food Jokes

For once, I'd like to take a medication w/side effects such as come-hither eyes, mad juggling skills, & Julia Childs' prowess in the kitchen

Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science. And I could use some pizza and beer.

*throws plate of Kraft Mac and Cheese at wall* I TOLD YOU I CAN'T EAT SPICY FOOD

If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there

Really? "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?" Um...may I introduce you to pizza?

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

The only person who's never seen what a chef in a pizzeria looks like is the artist who draws the cartoon chefs on pizza boxes.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"

*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen* *watches live version of Hunger Games*

If a caveman from the Paleolithic era saw you turn down a cupcake because youre on the "Paleo Diet," he'd kill you with a sharpened seashell

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

How convenient, I can cook this lasagna in the microwave in 30 seconds, or in my oven in 4 days.

Want the secret to success? Want 2x the energy without having to diet? Want to add 20 years to your life? Want less shoulder hair? Me too.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM'S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.

When I'm at a restaurant and see 'secret sauce' on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.

Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef" *waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

I dare you to read the New Testament, except substitute every "Jesus" with "Pizza Hut" and tell me it isn't the greatest business plan ever.

My girlfriend thinks that I can't cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I'll prove her wrong.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you'll LOVE real food!

I just had to leave the office kitchen because two co-workers were talking about tea bags and I'm 12