Food Jokes

Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur. Later... Me: we'll both have the wine connoisseur

[judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry.

I want to open a pizza shop called "Cheesus Crust!" Our slogan will be: "Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell." -or- "Crust has risen."

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe: "It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?"

Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like "we should pregame this food w more food" and I think that's really beautiful

I'm going on an all breadcrumb diet because I've never seen a duck with a double chin.

dude are you biting your nails i thought you were vegan

I want to be as annoying as a vegetarian but still eat meat so I'm telling people I only eat chicken. I'm calling myself a "poultrivore".

Just made sweet love to a juicy steak. Being escorted out of the restaurant now.

People of North Korea: Please stop asking Siri where the food is.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.

A lady posted her grandmother's brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

It's not illegal to wear a pinstripe suit & slick back your hair. Then go to a restaurant & ask them if they got "that thing" while winking.

Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?

*Food arrives* *Waits 3 days* *Slowly takes bite of food* *Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage* HOW IS EVERYTHING??

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it 'popped corn', is the number #1 food of watching things

Just a soul-crushing reminder that you'll never effectively karate chop a pizza into slices.

*orders a medium pizza* *opens box* PIZZA: I've contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know- *eats pizza*

"Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning." -me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle.. Now I just smell like shit

"You never told me you were vegan!" - no one ever

" I made my famous dip for the office party" You're a regular Abe Lincoln. "But he wasn't a chef" Exactly

the waiter grinds me some pepper. "tell me when." i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr