Food Jokes

Ways to make your woman happy. 1. Cook for her. 2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses. 3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

[first date at a chinese restaurant] "So are you more of a dog or a cat person?" *reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common?? . In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

[FIRST DATE] Me, opening mouth seductively: "And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

[mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Want to take the wind out of my sails? Walk past my table at the restaurant with what I thought was my meal.

[chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You're hot enough to cook meat on.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream "NOT TODAY SATAN!"

A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

The pizza theorem: "Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut into triangles and put into square boxes" -Science

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

I just met a black vegan... All I kept asking was "so you don't eat chicken?"

With abs like his, are we certain Jesus didn't just diet for our sins?

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains? ZOMBIE 2: because. It's food for thought! haha ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

"If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you." - Philosophical soup kitchen chef

When I see a plate of food, I eat it, rather than photograph it like a dangerous psychopath with no respect for God's Law.

I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

[campfire] ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk... TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: "you have a dog?" Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Is your cat getting enough Chinese food? The answer may surprise you. Mews at 11. NEWS. I said "news". Just like a typing human would. What.

I don't trust a restaurant that advertises "Now with more bacon!" because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.