Food Jokes

Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!

I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You'd have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

just like how Magma doesnt become Lava until it comes out of a volcano, its not poop until it comes out of the ass. before its out its pizza

Just had a food baby, but I'm not ready for that type of responsibility so I flushed it

1st Date Me: Just warning you. I get freaky. Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.? Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

After years of cooking, I've found that the best way to prepare brussels sprouts is to throw them away and order pizza.

If "Pizza?" is the question, "Pizza!" is the answer.

I'm eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it's six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I'm still better than you.

Astronaut: wtf is this NASA: it's space food A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars N: look we get it but- A: no no I'm coming down

[restaurant] *patpatpat* ME: you hear that? *patpatPATPAT* DATE: what the [penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish] CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Remember, it's not a real paleo diet unless you're eating mammoth every day.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza. I've narrowed it down to: Pizza Farmer Pizza Hunter Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.

Dominos pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

*sends back food because instagram down*

*Plots revenge by getting a job at a fast food restaurant and waiting for nemesis to drive thru and not putting a straw in their bag*

5's friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I'm already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper's True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

[casting call] -have u acted before? *shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal -oh this guys good

I have two feelings in Ramadan, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

Food trucks: Because the problem with most grilled cheese sandwiches is you don't spend 20 minutes breathing exhaust.