Food Jokes

"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Shipwreck survivors on an island S1: We told you to spell 'SOS' with those coconuts! S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I'm a vegan.

Using the domino's pizza tracker app seems like a great way to carjack someone you know isn't going to put up that much of a fight

Any pizza at Pizza Hut is only $10. ANY! How is there still sadness in the world?

First date - I'll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge Tenth date - I'll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

I'm going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game: What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Solution to world hunger: food. Boom, done, next problem.

I'll pronounce vegan "veegan", when vegetables become "veegetables".

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of "cumin".

Me: I need to lose my baby weight. Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest? Me: Thirteen.

The only way I'm listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost

I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

My german shepard doesn't like dog food, so we have that in common.

Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.

Abs are for people who can't afford good food.

Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You're now the restaurant.

[at bar] Gee, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse *nearby horse slams down his whisky* COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY *horse throws the 1st punch*

Anyone have a good recipe for ice cubes?

I fundamentally understand pacman because I too live my life sprinting after food

I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.

thought i wanted to die but turns out i was just hungry

woman vs Food would be a very boring show where she gazes wistfully at the dessert menu and sighs.

The world has gotten so politically correct that I don't know what is appropriate to throw at a crying baby in a restaurant anymore.

When I die I already know my last words will be. "but I'm still hungry"

Do not underestimate me. 16 just dared me to eat the fish food. It's freeze-dried worms. Wasn't bad. I'm hungry.