Food Jokes

"Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?"

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.

The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That's 15 minutes, right? I'm not reading too much into it?

[at Chinese restaurant] "Hi I'll have a large goingon" -What is goingon? "Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food"

Tomato basil soup is a fancy way of making people drink pizza sauce.

Inspired by T.G.I. Fridays, I opened a restaurant called C.L.I. Tuesdays. No one could find it.

If you're a vegan w a gluten allergy who doesn't own a TV do you put it on a business card or just wait to force it into every conversation?

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

If my 3YO's fortune was "you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs," this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate

Restaurant Activity: Walk over to a table of strangers and ask, "Who ordered the farts?" Then, fart.

Hey grocery store cashiers that try to guess what we're going to cook- Shut up.

If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it's thin crust/ light cheese so basically it's a salad .

"My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, "You're the third one this week"

how come there aren't more babies named Pizza

"Last call for flight 254" [Runs to gate] "You barely made it" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan

Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food *camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Her: You don't have to cook me dinner, we can just go out. Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it's fine I don't mind..

*adult mutant ninja turtles sit in the kitchen doing taxes* you guys wanna smoke a joint? "were not teens anymore dude" *donatello sobs*

She said we needed to talk and... I said, "Yeah, I think we should break up, too." She said, "About where to eat." "Oh," I said, "Pizza?"

People who say "seriously, another one?" after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.