Food Jokes

Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

Thheres just not enough moisture in food now a days. Run that shit under the faucet

[Little Caesar's meeting] "We need a new, clever slogan" *everyone looks at Jim* Jim: Um... Pizza...Pizza? "Jim...U just saved this company"

I wanna see Le Pan Quotidien fight Au Bon Pain in a pretentious chain restaurant cage match & the winner gets to fight Pret-a-Manger.

[dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken

It's amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

George Carlin: Dead. Leslie Nielsen: Dead. Mitch Hedberg: Dead. Greg Giraldo: Dead. Dane Cook: A-Okay. God has some explaining to do.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I'm staying.

Big trouble in my kitchen tonight. The pot called the kettle black. The cup called the mug white. And they both called the teabag gay.

Don't grocery shop hungry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't promise when ur happy. Don't do anything. Just kinda sit there til u die.

"I'm hungry. Except for anything you made. There's no way I'm eating that." - Kids

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share] ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet "cheat days" and call them Ashley Madisons.

Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I'll just use this dry paper and call it good.

Has the Supreme Court decided on Man v. Food yet?

whoops i accidentally spilled a whole pizza in my mouth

The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "Amigo". Am I in a gang now?

(car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen? Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room...

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank] ME: here ya go little buddies FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Since instagram is down I'm not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

If I find myself at Paula Deen's house, I'll be sure to stay out of the kitchen. There's an oven in there. Jews in Stews #paulasbestdishes