Talking Dog A woman walks into the store and sees a flyer. ""Talking Dog Looking for a New Home. $10"" The woman thinks ""this is interesting, I should go check it out."" So she goes to the address listed and asks to see the dog. The owner brings her to the back yard where a black Lab is sitting in front of a dog house. The woman goes up and says Hi. ""Hello, how are you?"" says the dog in perfect English. ""Wow, you can talk!"" the woman says. ""Yes,"" says the dog. ""I learned how to talk when…

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier. One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty. That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty. My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was cur…

M&Ms Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the ""loser,"" and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue one…

Top Ten Benefits of a Trump Presidency 10. Instagram photos of fancy food replaced by photos of comfort food. 9. Household net worth rises if women are considered property. 8. SNL and the Daily Show get a little better. 7. Americans get to experience four year educational historical reenactment of Nazi Germany. 6. Pared down Facebook friends list keeps snooping relatives from seeing your EDM concert photos. 5. College protests exercise the legs of students who did not leave their dorms to vote. …