Food Jokes

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!

You're right, vegetarian. Meat IS murder. ...and I'm sure no bunnies, squirrels or mice died during the harvesting of your garden salad.

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel] Date: The wine is lovely great choice Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"

*brings a gun to a knife fight* *brings a gun to a pillow fight* *brings a gun to a food fight* who keeps inviting this guy

Maybe raccoons aren't really digging through trash for food, Maybe they're just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

FYI, you don't have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, "How's everything tasting"

I'm not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

They say the camera adds ten pounds. I knew this all camera diet was bad for me. They're just so delicious.

I'm a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

I sponsor one of those poor kids on TV. He sends me nice letters, I mail him pictures of me smiling, throwing away food.

The best way to show someone you hate them is to serve them food without cheese on it.

I bet in Somalia a kid has been like "I'm so hungry!" and another's like "Third world problem!" and they both laugh and die and stuff.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I've ever been to hunting my own food.

When a dog's stomach starts growling, it's either hungry, or pregnant.

I wonder what those old comedians who made livings cracking wise about airline food are doing now that there's no such thing.

I'm sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says "oh great, dinner and a show." Priceless.

I haven't really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie 'Breakfast Club', actually had nothing to do with food

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

welcome to hipster church. this is my body *bites vegan cookie* this is my blood *sips garage-brewed IPA*

OMG, he's almost here. How's my hair? My clothes? How do I look? (knock, knock) He's here!!!! I'm so excited! *My pizza delivery guy.

left my laptop bag at a restaurant last night and today i went to pick it up and the lady asked what was inside to verify that it's mine,

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Literally no one wants to be on the phone with you less than the lady who answers the phone at a Chinese restaurant.