Food Jokes

I'm at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Salad is the decaf of food.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

[Kitchen] Me: I'm a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state. Wife: No you don't the moon is full now. Me: *Illinois noises*

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

My dog's pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won't admit he's older now. So I scratch out the "i" on each can & tell him it's Mexican food.

If you drop food on the floor in public, it's proper etiquette to look around and see who noticed before shoving it in your mouth.

"What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?" -inventor of Lucky Charms

DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.

Rice: for when you're not really hungry but still wanna eat a 1000 of something.

[at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.

[Restaurant] "Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?" Yes please "THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. Because I have no idea where sandwiches live...

-Knock Knock! -Who is it? -The love of your life. - :) Really? -Hahahaha no, it's the pizza you ordered.

She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight? Me: But darling i'm a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE! Crook:Ok *crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil* Lawyer: it's too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

"Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to "remove pizza from box before consumption".

Texas. Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

[feeding baby Malaysian food] "Here comes the plane" *makes plane noises* *spoon just disappears*

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day's specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Meghan Trainor songs: -All About That Bass -Flounder's Good Too -Also I Like Shrimp -Wait, I'm a Vegan -All About That Kale

[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]

Speed dating? You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins...