Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking? Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that's not tied in a knot*#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.#Food#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD#Warren#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Creates Animals* God: They're magnificent. Angel: Some of ur best work. Man: Which ones go on pizza?#Food#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Financial status: 10 days ago: eating cat food. Today: eating the cat.#Animals#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they're vegan?#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Can you cook dinner tonight?" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME: *eating fast food* VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff? ME: Yeah VG: That stuff is gonna kill you ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Whats the deal with all this airline food?" -Sharks in Malaysia#Malaysia#Food#Airplane#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone's food and suddenly they don't want you to cook for them anymore#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm opening a restaurant called "It doesn't matter, whatever you want" since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.#Animals#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I'm with family or a girl.#Food#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: we need to improve our home Me: agreed Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority Me: [crosses out "get more dogs"] obviously#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just did my budget for June. If I don't buy food ... I won't need toilet paper. I think I'm on to something here.#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Pizza Hut ad: "Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?" Think about these words.#Pizza Hut#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The Iron Chef judge who said flavors "explode" in her mouth is so inconsiderate. Now I can't hear the show over my own adolescent giggling.#Food#Lawyer0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino's Frozen Pizza.#Totinos Frozen Pizza#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to "Drive Thru"#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp