Food Jokes

Some of you keep touting donuts as the best breakfast food ..... But there are holes in your arguments.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf] 10yo: When did this come out? Me: Hmm...'82? 10: 19 or 18? Me:...

[first date questions] You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses...and she's gone Whatever she's probably vegan

Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their "eating disorder".

[At a 5 star restaurant] *gestures at entire menu* Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they'll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I'll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex. Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you What is a picnic? Correct!

Buddha: all life is suffering Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

I only eat in two situations: when I'm hungry and when I'm not hungry

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64. Ate.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I'm hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I'm fat.

Her: I can't cook because, I "believe" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that? Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

I always make a point to add a 'man' when I say thanks to the pizza delivery guy, so he knows I used to smoke weed and shit.

You know you're in a shitty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Me: "Hello? Yeah hi I'm calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what's her number?"

The worst part about blind dates is trying to find a restaurant with menus in braille.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

Waitress: "Enjoy your meal" Patron: "you too" Patron: 'why did I say that?' Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

*Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising

No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen Biden: I didn't want Trump to feel- Obama: Joe, Biden: ...lonely