Food Jokes

Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.

"Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.

Given the American diet, don't you think we'd have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Me: I have to lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise everyday. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym. Me: Is that cake?

If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".

here's a cool tip for beating the heat this summer: don't go outside ever there's guys who will bring you pizza dumbass

CEO of KFC: "We must always respect our customers. That is so important." Ian: "Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?" CEO: "Yes."

Just ordered a pizza from Papa Johns online ordering system & it asked me if I had any instructions for the driver. Yes, "Bring weed, bro"

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says "open wide" & starts making airplane noises* Guy: *stunned silence* -Single Mama on a date

Food Fact: PringlesTM are actually shavings from the AllpringleTM, which resides in the center of the Earth

I spend so much time in strip clubs that when the pizza delivery guy arrives I put his tip individually around his pants & then slap his ass

What I say: I'm on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

A vegan took my picture. It was hard to smile saying, "Gluten-free, dairy-free, imitation monteray jack soy cheese."

Found an eyelash on my pizza. Wished for more pizza.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I've just been poisoned

No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with

[after tee ball game] Wife: we brought snacks for the kids. Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Whenever fat people tell you they are on a diet, it just means they started dabbing their pizza with a napkin to get some of the grease off.

I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

Interested in: ( ) men ( ) women (X) food

Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

*eats pizza out of box in bed *falls asleep *wakes up next to leftover pizza Voila! Breakfast in bed!

i absolutely cannot cook for shit but i was watching a child prodigy chef n was casually like "ugh, i don't kno about that sauce"

[diet journal] day 1: hungry day 2: hungry day 3: hungry day 4: ate neighbor