Food Jokes

Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you're interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say "spaghetti"

I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.

Ian: It's done. Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice? I: What? MB: Like a restaurant. I: I killed him. MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Wife: you're so damn forgetful! M: oh nonsense! W: ok, did you get the cat food? M: WE HAVE A CAT??

How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers' food?

get pizza or die trying

"Did you remember to take the dog out?" Ah crap, I forgot [Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

I'm just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it's been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

"Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption" the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Me: Why doesn't he love me? Nachos: Eat more of me and find out! Me: *Chewing* So? Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

little caesars makes an ok pizza but just think what they could do if their caesar was full size

Jail is just college for people who work at fast food restaurants.

Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

*calls restaurant* Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant? Host: Of course it is sir *hangs up*

When someone asks for one of my french fries, I react like the majestic cheetah by snarling and taking my food to the top of a tree.

COP: Know why I stopped you? MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh? COP: You're using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what's up.

[to astronaut brother] Ooooh la la Gary's going to SPACE *does jerkoff motion* I'll be here on EARTH where my pizza & tv won't FLOAT AWAY

I don't know when but there was a moment in my life when food changed from friend to lover.

If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as "Low Blood Sugar Girl" while rushing my limp body to a table.

s/o to bees for producing food that we can eat. no other bug is generous like that LOVE YOU BEES