Food Jokes

Just said "No you can't have an apple because you'll spoil the pizza that's being delivered very soon." I shouldn't be allowed to parent.

if money can't buy happiness explain pizza

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge Sis: M: S: That's a pizza roll. You're high

DON'T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Babies who cry in a restaurant would rather be eating in a breastaurant.

Wife: What ARE you doing? Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what's it look like? W: Making the dog nervous.

If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there's a wormhole in my kitchen

I lost ten pounds! Learn my hot diet secret! (I replaced booze with pot)

[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle? CW: Yeah....just surprise me. Me: *comes back with no food* SURPRISE!

Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don't question it.

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday. BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

"It's gonna taste really good." - excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You're Expecting Pizza

[slashing food truck tires] friend: wtf are you doing?! [running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

The secret to my amazing vegan burgers is real beef.

[JAIL VISITATION] WIFE: I got u a cake ME: U know I don't like sugar W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet M: It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle

This sushi restaurant has the worst service ever. "Sir, this is an aquarium."

[restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good

Dear microwave companies, Why make us select "cook" at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something? Sincerely, Everyone