Food Jokes

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

Food service workers should be completely hairless at all times.

4-year-old: What's "saying grace?" Me: It's when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Food Network makes me feel like a perv: Beat it It's not moist enough My wrist is tired Look how thick it's getting It's all about flavor

My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him.

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

[Pizza falls on the ground] Hold HOLD! -Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it's been a full five seconds.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.

Whenever a fast food employee reads my order back to me I always say, "did you just call me fat?" They love that.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I'd try my best to take that thing home.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C'mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called Thai Me Up.

Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I'm a chicken magnet

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food ME: got it HER: dad, this my date ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Welcome home, half-empty bottle of diet coke. Meet your family: Salad dressing, expired creamer & mysterious takeout container.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.

write pizza as all the answers for homework because pizza is always the answer

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Whole Foods mixed up the labels on regular & vegan chicken salads. Vegans became suspicious when they experienced a fleeting moment of joy.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor's garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.