Food Jokes

Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone's just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

"You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation

I hate it when people say "Oh, I'm a vegetarian except for fish". Yeah? And I'm a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you're with your new much younger pizza guy.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that's all you really need.

"So you're a foodie? What's a foodie?" "We enjoy eating out and trying new food." "So you're like everyone else, except you brag about it?"

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids! Wife: But we d.. *I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats Meet Frank and Dolores

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.

My food pyramid is a cup of coffee sitting on a pack of cigarettes.

My kids think all food includes long, dark hairs as standard.

Being a parent is the opposite of the Jenny Craig diet. "I gained 20lbs & all I did was eat small portions of my toddlers leftover dinner."

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad...may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad...may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Just took a bite of a gluten-free slice of pizza & my stomach made a sad noise & I was all "I know, buddy. I know."

Fake moms- 'I never want to be away from my children' Real moms- 'You drop that pizza, I'll put you up for adoption'

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom. Me: Feh...I'll drive her wild in the kitchen *Re-arranges the dishwasher.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

My boyfriend recently called me his woman And now we're living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water... Or food... Or baby...

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads. Me: Are you Italian, my brother? Him: No. Me: Then no more pizza for you.

just saw someone I love eat pizza with a fork & knife and this just really goes to show that people are monsters and you can't trust anyone

Whenever I hear a Mexican talking excitedly, I always imagine him explaining food, soccer or that someone is stuck in a barbed wire fence.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.