When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.

Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym.

Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.