Food Jokes

*Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*

"You only paid for one bus fare, ma'am. I don't see how it's fair for you to take two seats just because you love pizza and cake."

*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart* "hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?" "YES. AISLE B, BACK"

Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.

If heaven is real the only question i have for god is how many times was my chinese food a cat

Barry? Yes Joe Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France No Joe *Biden slams fist* THIS IS BULLSHIT

"YES! YES! YES! Damn." (A dog, when you open their food cabinet to get something else.)

My snack didn't taste very good. Now I'm gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch I know. Life's tough.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work. Cheese: No.

Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. ...And that's why I'm not getting laid tonight.

ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say "do you know who I am?" because while I wait I like to be introspective

Whoever replaced my kitchen window with broken glass and hid my laptop and tv. Haha very funny. Now tell me where they are. I'm serious.

I finished off a pizza today like it was planning to testify against me in court.

Going by the amount of beer I consume I think I'm technically a vegan.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

When you have to deliver bad news, always lead with something worse: "Honey, our cat died. Just kidding! But, I forgot to buy cat food."

If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

If I take a bite of your food at a restaurant and your food is better than my food, just be aware that our relationship is now in danger

'maybe the world wasn't ready for pizza perfume' i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

Unless: -The house is on fire -The cops are about to kick down the door -Or you're ordering food Do NOT talk to me while I'm on the toilet

How to make pasta: -Boil water. -Put what you think couldn't possibly be too much pasta in the pot. -Wrong. -Start an Italian restaurant.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!