Food Jokes

I burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza. But I got my revenge. It's poop now.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

The best way to eat a salad is to order a pizza instead.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe's poker table you're too mature for me.

I don't mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day ever since I took a girl out for heart shaped pizza and I realized it was smaller than normal pizza.

If owls are so wise why are they always eating rodents instead of pizza rolls?

Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

I've started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer. Thus I have to move it to get a beer. Because exercise is important too.

Thinking it's a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

"someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

A microwave with three only buttons. 1. Hot Pocket 2. Pizza Rolls 3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

Man: I'd like an order of buffalo wings Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here *a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

[at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: "DON'T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!"

*plays Rocky theme song* *cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down* *vomits on kitchen floor* *turns off music* *cleans kitchen*

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I've done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

All of the food in my fridge is on my to-poo list.

Joke's on you, jerk that sold me oregano instead of weed. I was going to make pizza sauce anyway.

Don't judge if you don't know me. Unless you're making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do.

[At Mexican Restaurant] Me:asks for food to be spicy hot Waitress: how hot? Me: Waitress:my people hot or your people hot