Food Jokes

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own. Then eat it in front of them.

Are cucumbers the only food you can put over your eyes to reduce puffiness because these pizza bagels aren't helping at all.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man

[At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?

If you are on a low-sodium diet avoid my twitter because I AM VERY SALTY TODAY.

Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a pinata full of cocaine.

[break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation

I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt.

- "Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?" - "I'm going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too"

My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don't have any friends.

My dog's frightened to walk across shiny floors and won't eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he'd be a flop out in nature.

If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma'am... That's on you.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"

If PETA is upset about Lady Gaga's meat dress, wait until they hear about what people do to that stuff in restaurant kitchens.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Her: "My baby paints with her food because she's artistic." Me: "That or your baby paints with her food because she's a goddamn baby."

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."

Perhaps the most gut wrenching part of my day is the moment I look in my fast food bag to see if they remembered my straw

If your restaurant order starts with a question, I already hate you.

By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something

You might be from Mexico but I'm sure I've eaten more Mexican food than you.

It's polite to stand when a lady comes to the table. I take it a step further and leave the restaurant entirely.

I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food

I'm just waiting for a bold, courageous restaurant that IS responsible for lost or stolen items.